November 22, 2009: The Day My Fears Died

It's been one year since my pastor Billy Joe Daugherty left this earth and stepped into Eternity at age 57. Forever I will remember where I was the moment I heard the news that he had indeed passed. I was in my bed, trying to sleep. Having been up all night, much like the previous two months, taking the graveyard shift praying with friends and strangers in the prayer room at our church, and then trying to sleep a few moments during the day. We had such a powerful prayer time that night before. There were over a hundred people in the prayer room, brought together by one purpose only, to pray for this beloved man to rise up and have his life and health restored to him. I felt the Presence of God in that room more than I had ever before in my life that night. Surely it was real. Surely it wasn't pure hype and emotion. Surely our prayers had reached Heaven and been found pleasing to God. So when I went to bed that morning I felt strongly that there had been a major shift in the night. A breakthrough!!! I just knew it.

When Daniel came up beside me that morning and said my name, I just knew by his voice what he was going to tell me. I didn't even look at him. I just buried my face in my pillow. No. I didn't want to hear it. It could not be true. Not after the night of prayer and praise we had just had seeking God. I couldn't believe it.

I reminded me too much of the same early morning that my own daddy left earth at age 45 seventeen years ago. How my mom and my two sisters just crawled into bed together and closed our eyes and cried ourselves to sleep. The exhaustion. Of holding on. Of believing. Of having your whole life uprooted and twisted into despair and trying to hold your head up.

My greatest fear as a child was one of my parents dying. Grey hair scared me. I did not want my parents getting old and closer to death. My daddy was my security. He was the perfect daddy to me. He was big and strong and burly and wise and funny. He brought blankets to me when I was cold and turned on my fan for me at night in the summertime to make sure I was cool. He filled my car up with gas so I never had to. He gave me money in case of an emergency. He told me I was beautiful and smart and talented and I never once doubted it. He was my security.

When my daddy passed I wondered what I'd do. Where would my security come from? Who would take care of me? Who would take care of my sweet pretty momma?! I left that summer to come to Tulsa and ORU because I knew God was leading me to (although I came home on weekends more than any other person at ORU just to check on Mom). Shortly after getting to ORU I found Victory...and Pastor Billy Joe.

Pastor Billy Joe became a father figure to me. He became my spiritual security. Over the years at ORU I leaned on my church and Pastor Billy Joe and Sharon's messages. I became secure in my spiritual life. I became strong. Pastor Billy Joe took care of me in a sense. He has challenged me for 17 years to live better and love God and others more. He has guided me through many tough times helping me to focus on the "main thing." His optimism, his faith, his gentleness, his love, his presence....all shaped me into the person I am today. There is no better man on earth I found to sit under their spiritual leadership and scrutinize than Billy Joe Daugherty. He was found to be stable, true, and pure in every area of his life.

Dad and Pastor Billy Joe both took care of me in a sense. They both were the most influential people in my life, along with my mom. They both left this earth early.

When my dad passed I stared my greatest fear dead in the face. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I didn't go crazy. I didn't rebel, I didn't give up. I amazingly just went on. So easily that I would often forget such tragedy had struck my life when I heard of other friends losing a parent and I'd wonder how on earth they could make it without them. It was grace from God, no doubt. I thought that if I could survive my greatest fear happening and still manage to live a happy, well adjusted faith filled life, then I could handle anything!

When Pastor Billy Joe passed...it was different. My physical security wasn't taken away, it was my spiritual security. It was as if everything I had every believed and everything that he had ever spoken was up for grabs...being challenged. Would it stand the test? The grieving and mourning process for Pastor Billy Joe was harder than it was for my own father. My daddy had been through so much pain that when I saw him take the last breath I was almost relieved that he could just go to Heaven with God. No more working. No more having to pay bills. No more headaches. But call me selfish, I was not able to let Pastor Billy Joe go as easily. For days after I heard of his passing I believed for resurrection. It wasn't until the memorial service that Daniel and I actually faced the fact that he was gone from this earth for good.

Months of morning him. Months of crying my eyes out in church week after week after week. Months of missing him and searching for answers. I realized that he had become my security. And now I had to stand on my own two spiritual feet and make the decision. Was I gonna abandon my faith? Was I gonna change my theology? Or was I gonna dig my heels deep and say I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. Smack dab in the middle of believing God does the impossible.

I believe in healing. I believe in the SAME SCRIPTURES that we stood on, that we prayed, that we read out loud HUNDREDS of times in those last two months of my pastor's life here. I believe in the Word of God. I believe God heals today and raises the dead. I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. And I always will.

I didn't think I feared anything after my dad passed. Nothing really got to me. I am not a worrier. I don't get scared or uptight about things. I just know that anyone can adjust and change and learn to live without someone else in their life and that life isn't worth quitting for any reason at all. But before that day a year ago today, I realized that I had still feared that God's Word was not true. That we might have it wrong. November 22, 2009 was the day my fears died. All those fears have dissipated since that day. I am no longer afraid. I can face every day with the Word of God knowing that it is true. I know my God loves me and works all things out for my good as I trust Him. I can see His mighty Hand upon the Daugherty family and my church and I am in awe of Him and His goodness and grace.

God doesn't have to prove anything to me for me to love and believe Him. But He does every day. Everyday when I walk closer to him since these two tragedies I feel His love. I feel stronger. When I see the way Pastor Sharon has led our church in the midst of turmoil and how the joy of the Lord is her strength it makes me love Jesus more! It makes me so proud to serve the only true God Who makes a way, Who redeems, Who binds the broken hearted, Who gives hope to the hopeless. I will stand for Him if no one else does. I will never go back on my decision to deny myself and follow God. I am His and He is mine. Forever.

And ALL my security is in HIM ALONE. Right where He wanted it. And I will never fear again. Because I know one day I'll see Him face to face and none of this will matter....only that I never stopped believing.

When the going get's tough, change your beliefs.

What do I believe and why? That's what I started to ask myself a few years ago. And I started writing it down. About everything from healing and other theological doctrines to environmental causes and style. I've always been a person who lived with intention and by a set belief system. I know I'm always learning and growing, but even so, I live according to my convictions and the Word of God. In my eyes, if you don't know what you believe and why, then you will be tossed to and fro in this earth trying to please others and being a different person around different people. When I was young I would do that. I would feel the need to alter my behavior and personality around others so that they would like me more.

When you have a set belief system you will often find yourself disagreeing with others who don't share those same beliefs. What's so bad about that? Why are people so afraid to disagree? And when your belief system and convictions are based upon the Word of God and by the Holy Spirit you will absolutely find yourself being the odd man out.

I think when the going gets tough for us, it's human nature to protect ourselves. So the easiest way to get through the tough situation is to alter our beliefs. Last year when my pastor went to heaven it threw me for quite a loop. After all, I believe in healing. I believe in miracles. But what I prayed for didn't happen. I didn't see the miracle I was wanting to. In his life or my own father's. And for a few weeks or months I toyed with the idea of throwing all I believed in out the window. Starting over. Isn't that what we do? In our relationships. In our lives. Take the easy route. If we don't like our church we switch. And then when we don't like that one anymore we switch again. And people leave their spouses and move on to the next because it feels right. But what does that really accomplish in the end?

After I got my flesh out of the way last year I was able to realize that just because life got harder and just because something I wanted to happen didn't happen wasn't any reason to change my beliefs. It would have been easier. Because now I can't explain everything. I have to say I DON'T KNOW and be ok with that.

I've found that the goal in my life is not to understand all the reasons why or to have an easy time. Running from hard times does nothing but make me a coward. Changing myself as the wind blows makes me a double minded person. Choosing the easy route and the one that feels good and is the most fun isn't the road to life. Why does God say the road is narrow? If a road is narrow then that must mean its not very popular, right? It's not very popular these days to deny your flesh and take up your cross and follow Him, is it? It's not very popular to life your life for others. To consider others and how it might affect them...

When I was younger I felt like there wasn't enough liberty in my walk with God. I didn't feel like I knew how to freely and uninhibited worship and express my love for my God to others or to Him. I am thankful for my family, my church and for ORU where I met precious people who loved God with pure hearts and showed me a side of Christianity that I had not seen before. But now I see too much of the opposite in the world today, and even in the Christian realm. It's like people have taken the words free in Christ and used them selfishly. Freedom in Christ doesn't mean freedom to do what you want.

John Bevere has a wonderful book Under Cover which talks about submitting to authority. It seems like we've forgotten how to submit to authority....because we are free, right? And no one's gonna MAKE me do anything! But that's not how Jesus acted. And that's not what the Bible tells us to do. When we cannot submit to our parents, the government, our pastors, our children's teachers, etc., then how on earth are we supposed to know how to submit to God. It's something that has to be taught to a child. When the parent's don't require the child to submit to elders, or when the parents themselves rebel against leadership and the children see it, then the children grow up thinking that submission to God is lousy and no fun and bondage.

I am not a slave to legalism. But you know what. There are rules in life. There are laws we have to follow when we drive. There are spiritual laws that we cannot see. There are rules at school. Rules and laws aren't always bad. Why do people think so? You can see a police car on the freeway and be relieved that it's there to help you or feel mad because it's trying to catch you breaking the law.....what's the difference? It's in the way you see it.

I feel like the more I study God's Word the easier it is for me to keep my mouth shut and submit to rules and authority I don't agree with. I speak out plenty.....I've never been afraid to speak out against injustice....but I'm not talking about injustice here. But I don't see my life as it for me. My life truly begins when I meet my Father face to face where I will spend eternity based on my life here. I guess if you see it differently then you might seek out pleasure and ease while here on earth. My focus has never been on trying to earn God's love through the law, although I do want to please Him and I do strive to please Him everyday. My focus has never been ease or pleasure but on applying the Word of God to my daily life. And because of that, I have true joy. Happiness is based on circumstance. Joy is from within regardless. I love my life. I love hearing from God things I need to change and grow in. I love seeing God change me every year and making me more like Him. I love stuffing my desires down and seeking after His heart. It satisfies me. It fulfills me. It renews me.

There is a difference between peace and pacification. Peace lasts. Pacification doesn't. I realized this a few years ago after I went to see a movie that I was really excited about seeing. Fun times! Snacks, a movie, me and husband on a date. Went to see a stupid movie. Later than night I thought, OK, now that's over. What next? Because it did nothing for me. Isn't it funny how we can look from thing to thing, party to party, movie to movie, holiday to holiday, trip to trip, meal to meal, for satisfaction but it doesn't last long.

There are gaps and holes and moments and decisions that can only be filled with God and submitting to Him. And when I've done that I find myself content. And I suddenly don't have to prove my point, make sure the other knows I was right, come out on top, or be the life of the party. I suddenly don't place fun at the top of my list, seeking out the world and Hollywood to entertain me. It is a strange and easy contentment that brings me peace and joy.

So I've made up my mind that I'm gonna stick to what I know is true even when it's not convenient or popular. I'm gonna life my life based upon beliefs and convictions not because it feels good. I'm not gonna run to the world to forget about my life and my problems only to find them waiting for me when I return. And when the going get's tough, I'm gonna be firmly grounded. Even if the road is narrow.

Jimmie is love

My sister Chantel, or Jimmie, as I've called her for about 20 years now, had a birthday today. People are always amazed at how well we get along. It's sad to me that sisters that love each other unconditionally AND who get along are uncommon these days. But Jimmie and I get along great. And we get along with my other sister too. But since it's Jimmie's birthday today I thought I'd honor her by this post.

Chantel is the middle sister. We've always been close. We were always together. We cheered together, played basketball together, watched NBA basketball together, watched movies like Elvis and Me and Eddie and the Cruisers a million times. We had fun that's for sure. She would beg me to come clean her room or at least sit on her bed while she cleaned it. We just had fun. In fact, no one in the world can make me laugh more than my two sisters and my mom.

I think why we get along so well is because we just let each other be. No expectations. A lot of grace. If there is a doubt, the other gets the benefit. If there was a mistake, the other is forgiven instantly. I mean, you can't get rid of your family, right??? So forigive em now or on your deathbed...it's an easy choice.

We were young and wild and free in high school. Then Chantel went to college. And then I went to college...but at one point we were both living back at home commuting to college. I remember how much she studied in nursing school. I'd go to bed and then wake up and she'd still be at the kitchen table studying. What a drag I thought! But Jimmie turned out to be the best nurse ever. She even won Employee of the Month at her hospital in Dallas! She'd make bulletin boards to improve work moral and to show the love of Christ. She has always seen needs and FILLED them. No questions of cost of money or time, just did it. She is compassionate.

When we were little she'd cry in the boat after we caught fish so Dad would make us throw them back in. What a drag! Ha. She cried when we poured salt on the snails (that was mean). She took in EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD CAT that needed a home (at one point we had over 20 cats....all named...and yes we could tell them apart...and no they were not inside cats). Dad LOVED Chantel's heart. He called her Sha-boog. Who knows why....but it was a sweet name of love. He would always look out for Chantel. Everyone else would speak up and speak out, and Chantel would always say, it doesn't matter. So he'd make everyone stop and be quiet and want to hear what Chantel had to say.

Chantel was the best basketball player ever! She had moves like Kevin McHale. We were quiet the team. I'd bring the ball down the court and look for her first...cause she was the best...and cause she is my sister! She was all-district, all-state, all-star, you name it. But what she wasn't was mean on the court. Dad would say, "Cmon Chantel you gotta get your game face on. Throw some elbows. Bow up. Don't let that girl push you around!" She was as good as a player could be without getting mean! LOL!

We had babies together...staggering them, but then also having our boys Wesley and Robert just 5 months apart. Our husbands weren't sure that was such a good idea...us both being pregnant together. We pick up each other's slack. We pick up each others kids. We pick up each others' houses.

Jimmie treats everyone the same. She oblivious to what clothes people wear or what car they drive. She sees people's heart. She sees people the way God sees them. She seeks out the underdog, the meek, and she anonymously touches their lives in beautiful ways. I know a lot about her...but I'm sure I don't even know half of all the things she's done for others. Many things maybe only her and God know. Their special secrets.

The only times in my life I've ever really been frustrated at Jimmie is when I feel like she lets people run over her. I think it's her personality, her compassion, her character, that lets some well meaning people feel like they can say and do things to her they'd never say or do to someone else. We've had to give each other pep talks before handy men came or such to remind ourselves that we can stand up for ourselves without being mean. And so many times she's kept her mouth shut when others have done her wrong. I'd want to call the person up and tell them how Chantel gave so much to them and they'd had taken advantage of her, but she never let me. She's not out for justice or revenge or others knowing she's right and they were wrong. She just loves and lets God take care of the rest. And she never stops giving. And touching others' lives.

When I was younger I used to think Chantel just needed to be tougher....you know, stand up for herself. Speak her mind more when she feels like someone did her wrong. Because that's what we do right. We set people straight. We don't let anyone tell us what to do or make us feel uncomfortable. Hmmm. Maybe we've got it backwards. What did Jesus mean when the last shall be first? What did Jesus mean when he said the meek will inherit the earth? What does the Bible mean when it says a "broken and contrite heart?' You know what, Jimmie reminds me of Jesus. He didn't have to go around proving how strong He was. And you know what, to be able to love unconditionally and forgive when not asked to and to hold your tongue and not feel the need to defend or build yourself up....well, actually that is strength. In fact, it is the greatest strength of all. It's the same strength Jesus displayed on His time on earth.

And you know what, shouldn't we all be like Jesus. Shouldn't we all try to be like Jimmie! Love our neighbor as ourself. When I read this in First Corinthians I think of Chantel...

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

That Scripture IS Chantel. Chantel IS this Scripture. Jimmie IS love!