What would cause someone to do such a thing?

Years ago I found out about this family who adopted a child who is disabled. I watched them bring him to events, park his wheelchair, and then carry on as normal. He looked younger than their other two children and I wondered why they adopted him. I mean, I had always wanted to adopt (and as you know we are) but not a child in a wheelchair. What could that boy possibly offer to that family, right? By adopting him they just added more work to their lives...and just when their other children looked old enough to get easier to take care of. Hmmm. I was puzzled.

Fast forward to June 21, 2010. I find myself in an orphanage on the other side of the world full of special needs children. At first I was scared. Really scared. Daniel and I had just made the decision after being on the non-special needs list of China for almost three years to switch to the special needs program, or waiting child program as some say. So here I was on a mission trip surrounded by children that met that criteria. Yikes! Did we really make the right decision? I mean, some of the children were completely handicapped and others' medical condition China would not even allow them to be adopted. That night I went back to my hotel room and found myself in a fog. I wanted to go home to safety, to my three healthy children, to my nice home and tell Daniel we should change our mind.

Now looking back to write this, I remember very clearly what was running through my head. But now it's hard for me to even comprehend my thought process because it changed so drastically in those next two days. As I spent time with the children and got to know them I no longer saw their "special needs." Well, I should say I saw their needs, but they didn't make me feel uncomfortable anymore. It was familiar and I felt at home. I can remember playing with a little boy with cerebral palsy. He is one of the children that I really bonded with. He's 12 years old. Once he turns 14 he can no longer be adopted according to Chinese law. I imagined me bringing him home. I imagined him going places with my kids, playing games with cousins, swimming! I imagined him GOING OUTSIDE, something I'm not sure he has ever done. Going to school! To learn! What I didn't imagine is if it would be difficult, exhausting, or expensive. Because while I was there none of that mattered. What if I he could ask me to adopt him? What would I say? Well, sweet little boy, I would adopt you and take you out of this institution forever to live with my fun, happy, loving family in America but I think you would mess up our plans. You have so many needs, and you are 12! We want a little baby that can't remember anything troublesome. And you can't speak English. Plus, we can't afford your medical care. We have to think about not ruining our children's lives by bringing in an orphan with so many needs. Sorry.

That is sad. Really sad. And while I was there I didn't think like that, returning home, back to "reality" (or is it?) I find myself pondering things that are close to the sadness above. I remember one night in China sending Daniel a text that read, "If we didn't think about all the what ifs in life it would be so easy to make decisions." Being at that orphanage, knowing what we have her in America, it's a NO BRAINER. Get a kid, ANY kid, and bring them into tour family! Why is adoption such a difficult decision anyway?

Could it be fear? Fear that they will hate us and never bond. Fear that we will go bankrupt paying their medical bills. Fear that we won't ever love them like one that comes from us. Fear that they will be a burden to raise and may never be able to function on their own. Fear that it will warp our biological children and not be fair to them. Fear that it will be way too much work.

So then how do we make our decisions in life? Based on fear? Or based on what we know we should do. Based on what God would want us to do. Based on our heart. Based on what God did for us!

I think in our minds it may be "easier" to love a child with special needs if they look like us. If they are our biological children. Because we love of biological children no matter what they act like, look like, or talk like. They are ours. I wonder how hard it is to love a child who is not your biological child and has special needs.... That week while I was there God was doing something strong in me. I felt all alone...with Him. I think that being at that orphanage with those children was the closest physically I've ever felt to God. I could feel that He was speaking things to me that I wasn't so sure I was ready for. I felt like He was looking for a response from me. I felt like He was stretching me.

I have read several blogs where well meaning women make statements about adoption that make others feel mad and guilty if they aren't adopting a child. I am not going to say everyone should adopt. I only know that I used to not consider adoption. And now, I'm amazed at the thought of us not adopting. It makes me sad and scared to think we would've missed out on so much! But my aim is to share with you my journey so that you might consider adopting, or giving money to someone's adoption, or sending donations to orphanages, or visiting orphans!

All I can say is that since Daniel and I opened our hearts WIDE OPEN to God and let go of what we had in mind, what we had planned, what we thought was "normal" then big changes started happening! And we like them. It's fun to serve God and know that His ways are perfect. And whatever His plan is for us, we are ready. I just want to be an empty vessel, a clump of clay He can do whatever He wants. I don't want ME to get in the way of HIM in ME!

Back to that family I mentioned first. How could they do such a thing as adopt that boy knowing well ahead of time the work and sacrifice that was involved??? Now I get it. Now I realize that it's not all about me and us! It's about that boy. It's about getting out of ourselves and changing someone's life. Whether it's an orphan in China or the person on the street of Tulsa. It's about doing something led by the Spirit of God without letting your flesh dictate.

Pastor Sharon said something that really hit home to me a few months ago. She was preaching on giving and serving others. She said one of the reasons why we don't get more involved with others is because we are afraid of assuming responsibility. It's easy to send a check to Haiti but it's harder to go there. It's easy to give the homeless man a couple of dollars but it's harder to sit down and talk to him for five minutes and see if he needs help.

I'm asking God to be my Lord of all my decisions. Every move I make. I just don't want to miss out on His plan for my life. Even if the road is harder.

PS. the boy pictured above is not the boy in the story

Do I value life too much?

Ever since I watched my dad pass into eternity at age 45 my perspective changed....and then when my pastor stepped into eternity at a very young 58 it changed again. And then a precious little girl close to Phoebe....and then a loving brother who gave part of his liver to save his brother from a chronic liver disease..... all stepped from this earth into eternity....way too young.

It's got me thinking about something. Maybe we place too much value on long life. I'm just thinking out loud here... but maybe we see life as our chance to shine, our chance to grow up, make a name for ourselves, travel to all the places we dream of, have children who have chidren who grow up to be successful with prosperous careers. Have cute kids that play sports and go to college and make us proud. Live a long time and grow old gracefully surrounded by markers of success all around us, and then peacefully die when we are old and everyone honor our lives.

And if that is interrupted in any way, especially if our lives are cut short by the standard of old age, then something must've gone wrong. What went wrong? What happened? What did we do? What didn't we do? What should we have done different? How could this happen? How could a little child be taken from this earth so young...without a chance to live a long life?

And we think and ponder...but never are satisfied with an answer so the next tragedy we hear about....shock again...how could that happen! And it affects us as if nothing has ever happened bad before. Why? Because we value life so much....but not just life, long life.

I've never seen a person make better use of their life than Billy Joe Daugherty, my spiritual father. And while I dream every day of him being back again as if nothing ever happened, I realize that he didn't waste any time and he used it all for the Kingdom of God, not to pursue his success.

My dad loved his family and we and he had no regrets. We loved each other, we said it, we lived it. He worked hard too provide for us. He loved God.....but 45 years, come on, that's just way to young.

But if I look at life differently for a moment, if I look at life as a vapor, just as the Word of God calls it, then I'm not so upset, mad, and confused at tragic death. Do you think God welcomes those who die young into Heaven with a hung head as if to say I'm so sorry you had to leave that wonderful place early and come here to Me? I don't think He does. I wonder if in Heaven LIFE becomes crystal clear....LIFE truly begins when we reach Eternity! What if this is just a training ground? What if this is just a blip of time given to us so that we could choose or reject God. People born everyday hopefully to grow up to choose God so that we could live with Him forever. And all that other stuff really doesn't matter. Like length of time here.

If Eternity is forever....then what difference does a short or long time on Earth really matter after all. And think about all the sad little children who die early....at least they never grew up and turned away from God, right?

I'm not saying life here doesn't matter, but that maybe we should look at our time here differently. How much time does the average American waste in their lifetime watching trash on television. How much time does the average American waste building a bank account or the facade of one through their home and vehicles? How much time does the average American waste living for themselves, and feeling sorry for their life and the things that has happened to them?

What if from this point on we made life really count? So that if we left this earth tomorrow or in 40 years it would be ok. And what if we become resilient to tragedy? We believe for miracles, prosperity, health and long life. But if life doesn't go as we want, plan, or need it to, then we adapt, we change, we grow, we bend, we stare boldly at tragedy and know that God is still God and we have a purpose in this life that goes beyond happiness and safety.

Hmmmm....I think I'm gonna try that.