November 22, 2009: The Day My Fears Died

It's been one year since my pastor Billy Joe Daugherty left this earth and stepped into Eternity at age 57. Forever I will remember where I was the moment I heard the news that he had indeed passed. I was in my bed, trying to sleep. Having been up all night, much like the previous two months, taking the graveyard shift praying with friends and strangers in the prayer room at our church, and then trying to sleep a few moments during the day. We had such a powerful prayer time that night before. There were over a hundred people in the prayer room, brought together by one purpose only, to pray for this beloved man to rise up and have his life and health restored to him. I felt the Presence of God in that room more than I had ever before in my life that night. Surely it was real. Surely it wasn't pure hype and emotion. Surely our prayers had reached Heaven and been found pleasing to God. So when I went to bed that morning I felt strongly that there had been a major shift in the night. A breakthrough!!! I just knew it.

When Daniel came up beside me that morning and said my name, I just knew by his voice what he was going to tell me. I didn't even look at him. I just buried my face in my pillow. No. I didn't want to hear it. It could not be true. Not after the night of prayer and praise we had just had seeking God. I couldn't believe it.

I reminded me too much of the same early morning that my own daddy left earth at age 45 seventeen years ago. How my mom and my two sisters just crawled into bed together and closed our eyes and cried ourselves to sleep. The exhaustion. Of holding on. Of believing. Of having your whole life uprooted and twisted into despair and trying to hold your head up.

My greatest fear as a child was one of my parents dying. Grey hair scared me. I did not want my parents getting old and closer to death. My daddy was my security. He was the perfect daddy to me. He was big and strong and burly and wise and funny. He brought blankets to me when I was cold and turned on my fan for me at night in the summertime to make sure I was cool. He filled my car up with gas so I never had to. He gave me money in case of an emergency. He told me I was beautiful and smart and talented and I never once doubted it. He was my security.

When my daddy passed I wondered what I'd do. Where would my security come from? Who would take care of me? Who would take care of my sweet pretty momma?! I left that summer to come to Tulsa and ORU because I knew God was leading me to (although I came home on weekends more than any other person at ORU just to check on Mom). Shortly after getting to ORU I found Victory...and Pastor Billy Joe.

Pastor Billy Joe became a father figure to me. He became my spiritual security. Over the years at ORU I leaned on my church and Pastor Billy Joe and Sharon's messages. I became secure in my spiritual life. I became strong. Pastor Billy Joe took care of me in a sense. He has challenged me for 17 years to live better and love God and others more. He has guided me through many tough times helping me to focus on the "main thing." His optimism, his faith, his gentleness, his love, his presence....all shaped me into the person I am today. There is no better man on earth I found to sit under their spiritual leadership and scrutinize than Billy Joe Daugherty. He was found to be stable, true, and pure in every area of his life.

Dad and Pastor Billy Joe both took care of me in a sense. They both were the most influential people in my life, along with my mom. They both left this earth early.

When my dad passed I stared my greatest fear dead in the face. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I didn't go crazy. I didn't rebel, I didn't give up. I amazingly just went on. So easily that I would often forget such tragedy had struck my life when I heard of other friends losing a parent and I'd wonder how on earth they could make it without them. It was grace from God, no doubt. I thought that if I could survive my greatest fear happening and still manage to live a happy, well adjusted faith filled life, then I could handle anything!

When Pastor Billy Joe passed...it was different. My physical security wasn't taken away, it was my spiritual security. It was as if everything I had every believed and everything that he had ever spoken was up for grabs...being challenged. Would it stand the test? The grieving and mourning process for Pastor Billy Joe was harder than it was for my own father. My daddy had been through so much pain that when I saw him take the last breath I was almost relieved that he could just go to Heaven with God. No more working. No more having to pay bills. No more headaches. But call me selfish, I was not able to let Pastor Billy Joe go as easily. For days after I heard of his passing I believed for resurrection. It wasn't until the memorial service that Daniel and I actually faced the fact that he was gone from this earth for good.

Months of morning him. Months of crying my eyes out in church week after week after week. Months of missing him and searching for answers. I realized that he had become my security. And now I had to stand on my own two spiritual feet and make the decision. Was I gonna abandon my faith? Was I gonna change my theology? Or was I gonna dig my heels deep and say I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. Smack dab in the middle of believing God does the impossible.

I believe in healing. I believe in the SAME SCRIPTURES that we stood on, that we prayed, that we read out loud HUNDREDS of times in those last two months of my pastor's life here. I believe in the Word of God. I believe God heals today and raises the dead. I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. And I always will.

I didn't think I feared anything after my dad passed. Nothing really got to me. I am not a worrier. I don't get scared or uptight about things. I just know that anyone can adjust and change and learn to live without someone else in their life and that life isn't worth quitting for any reason at all. But before that day a year ago today, I realized that I had still feared that God's Word was not true. That we might have it wrong. November 22, 2009 was the day my fears died. All those fears have dissipated since that day. I am no longer afraid. I can face every day with the Word of God knowing that it is true. I know my God loves me and works all things out for my good as I trust Him. I can see His mighty Hand upon the Daugherty family and my church and I am in awe of Him and His goodness and grace.

God doesn't have to prove anything to me for me to love and believe Him. But He does every day. Everyday when I walk closer to him since these two tragedies I feel His love. I feel stronger. When I see the way Pastor Sharon has led our church in the midst of turmoil and how the joy of the Lord is her strength it makes me love Jesus more! It makes me so proud to serve the only true God Who makes a way, Who redeems, Who binds the broken hearted, Who gives hope to the hopeless. I will stand for Him if no one else does. I will never go back on my decision to deny myself and follow God. I am His and He is mine. Forever.

And ALL my security is in HIM ALONE. Right where He wanted it. And I will never fear again. Because I know one day I'll see Him face to face and none of this will matter....only that I never stopped believing.

When the going get's tough, change your beliefs.

What do I believe and why? That's what I started to ask myself a few years ago. And I started writing it down. About everything from healing and other theological doctrines to environmental causes and style. I've always been a person who lived with intention and by a set belief system. I know I'm always learning and growing, but even so, I live according to my convictions and the Word of God. In my eyes, if you don't know what you believe and why, then you will be tossed to and fro in this earth trying to please others and being a different person around different people. When I was young I would do that. I would feel the need to alter my behavior and personality around others so that they would like me more.

When you have a set belief system you will often find yourself disagreeing with others who don't share those same beliefs. What's so bad about that? Why are people so afraid to disagree? And when your belief system and convictions are based upon the Word of God and by the Holy Spirit you will absolutely find yourself being the odd man out.

I think when the going gets tough for us, it's human nature to protect ourselves. So the easiest way to get through the tough situation is to alter our beliefs. Last year when my pastor went to heaven it threw me for quite a loop. After all, I believe in healing. I believe in miracles. But what I prayed for didn't happen. I didn't see the miracle I was wanting to. In his life or my own father's. And for a few weeks or months I toyed with the idea of throwing all I believed in out the window. Starting over. Isn't that what we do? In our relationships. In our lives. Take the easy route. If we don't like our church we switch. And then when we don't like that one anymore we switch again. And people leave their spouses and move on to the next because it feels right. But what does that really accomplish in the end?

After I got my flesh out of the way last year I was able to realize that just because life got harder and just because something I wanted to happen didn't happen wasn't any reason to change my beliefs. It would have been easier. Because now I can't explain everything. I have to say I DON'T KNOW and be ok with that.

I've found that the goal in my life is not to understand all the reasons why or to have an easy time. Running from hard times does nothing but make me a coward. Changing myself as the wind blows makes me a double minded person. Choosing the easy route and the one that feels good and is the most fun isn't the road to life. Why does God say the road is narrow? If a road is narrow then that must mean its not very popular, right? It's not very popular these days to deny your flesh and take up your cross and follow Him, is it? It's not very popular to life your life for others. To consider others and how it might affect them...

When I was younger I felt like there wasn't enough liberty in my walk with God. I didn't feel like I knew how to freely and uninhibited worship and express my love for my God to others or to Him. I am thankful for my family, my church and for ORU where I met precious people who loved God with pure hearts and showed me a side of Christianity that I had not seen before. But now I see too much of the opposite in the world today, and even in the Christian realm. It's like people have taken the words free in Christ and used them selfishly. Freedom in Christ doesn't mean freedom to do what you want.

John Bevere has a wonderful book Under Cover which talks about submitting to authority. It seems like we've forgotten how to submit to authority....because we are free, right? And no one's gonna MAKE me do anything! But that's not how Jesus acted. And that's not what the Bible tells us to do. When we cannot submit to our parents, the government, our pastors, our children's teachers, etc., then how on earth are we supposed to know how to submit to God. It's something that has to be taught to a child. When the parent's don't require the child to submit to elders, or when the parents themselves rebel against leadership and the children see it, then the children grow up thinking that submission to God is lousy and no fun and bondage.

I am not a slave to legalism. But you know what. There are rules in life. There are laws we have to follow when we drive. There are spiritual laws that we cannot see. There are rules at school. Rules and laws aren't always bad. Why do people think so? You can see a police car on the freeway and be relieved that it's there to help you or feel mad because it's trying to catch you breaking the law.....what's the difference? It's in the way you see it.

I feel like the more I study God's Word the easier it is for me to keep my mouth shut and submit to rules and authority I don't agree with. I speak out plenty.....I've never been afraid to speak out against injustice....but I'm not talking about injustice here. But I don't see my life as it for me. My life truly begins when I meet my Father face to face where I will spend eternity based on my life here. I guess if you see it differently then you might seek out pleasure and ease while here on earth. My focus has never been on trying to earn God's love through the law, although I do want to please Him and I do strive to please Him everyday. My focus has never been ease or pleasure but on applying the Word of God to my daily life. And because of that, I have true joy. Happiness is based on circumstance. Joy is from within regardless. I love my life. I love hearing from God things I need to change and grow in. I love seeing God change me every year and making me more like Him. I love stuffing my desires down and seeking after His heart. It satisfies me. It fulfills me. It renews me.

There is a difference between peace and pacification. Peace lasts. Pacification doesn't. I realized this a few years ago after I went to see a movie that I was really excited about seeing. Fun times! Snacks, a movie, me and husband on a date. Went to see a stupid movie. Later than night I thought, OK, now that's over. What next? Because it did nothing for me. Isn't it funny how we can look from thing to thing, party to party, movie to movie, holiday to holiday, trip to trip, meal to meal, for satisfaction but it doesn't last long.

There are gaps and holes and moments and decisions that can only be filled with God and submitting to Him. And when I've done that I find myself content. And I suddenly don't have to prove my point, make sure the other knows I was right, come out on top, or be the life of the party. I suddenly don't place fun at the top of my list, seeking out the world and Hollywood to entertain me. It is a strange and easy contentment that brings me peace and joy.

So I've made up my mind that I'm gonna stick to what I know is true even when it's not convenient or popular. I'm gonna life my life based upon beliefs and convictions not because it feels good. I'm not gonna run to the world to forget about my life and my problems only to find them waiting for me when I return. And when the going get's tough, I'm gonna be firmly grounded. Even if the road is narrow.

Jimmie is love

My sister Chantel, or Jimmie, as I've called her for about 20 years now, had a birthday today. People are always amazed at how well we get along. It's sad to me that sisters that love each other unconditionally AND who get along are uncommon these days. But Jimmie and I get along great. And we get along with my other sister too. But since it's Jimmie's birthday today I thought I'd honor her by this post.

Chantel is the middle sister. We've always been close. We were always together. We cheered together, played basketball together, watched NBA basketball together, watched movies like Elvis and Me and Eddie and the Cruisers a million times. We had fun that's for sure. She would beg me to come clean her room or at least sit on her bed while she cleaned it. We just had fun. In fact, no one in the world can make me laugh more than my two sisters and my mom.

I think why we get along so well is because we just let each other be. No expectations. A lot of grace. If there is a doubt, the other gets the benefit. If there was a mistake, the other is forgiven instantly. I mean, you can't get rid of your family, right??? So forigive em now or on your deathbed...it's an easy choice.

We were young and wild and free in high school. Then Chantel went to college. And then I went to college...but at one point we were both living back at home commuting to college. I remember how much she studied in nursing school. I'd go to bed and then wake up and she'd still be at the kitchen table studying. What a drag I thought! But Jimmie turned out to be the best nurse ever. She even won Employee of the Month at her hospital in Dallas! She'd make bulletin boards to improve work moral and to show the love of Christ. She has always seen needs and FILLED them. No questions of cost of money or time, just did it. She is compassionate.

When we were little she'd cry in the boat after we caught fish so Dad would make us throw them back in. What a drag! Ha. She cried when we poured salt on the snails (that was mean). She took in EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD CAT that needed a home (at one point we had over 20 cats....all named...and yes we could tell them apart...and no they were not inside cats). Dad LOVED Chantel's heart. He called her Sha-boog. Who knows why....but it was a sweet name of love. He would always look out for Chantel. Everyone else would speak up and speak out, and Chantel would always say, it doesn't matter. So he'd make everyone stop and be quiet and want to hear what Chantel had to say.

Chantel was the best basketball player ever! She had moves like Kevin McHale. We were quiet the team. I'd bring the ball down the court and look for her first...cause she was the best...and cause she is my sister! She was all-district, all-state, all-star, you name it. But what she wasn't was mean on the court. Dad would say, "Cmon Chantel you gotta get your game face on. Throw some elbows. Bow up. Don't let that girl push you around!" She was as good as a player could be without getting mean! LOL!

We had babies together...staggering them, but then also having our boys Wesley and Robert just 5 months apart. Our husbands weren't sure that was such a good idea...us both being pregnant together. We pick up each other's slack. We pick up each others kids. We pick up each others' houses.

Jimmie treats everyone the same. She oblivious to what clothes people wear or what car they drive. She sees people's heart. She sees people the way God sees them. She seeks out the underdog, the meek, and she anonymously touches their lives in beautiful ways. I know a lot about her...but I'm sure I don't even know half of all the things she's done for others. Many things maybe only her and God know. Their special secrets.

The only times in my life I've ever really been frustrated at Jimmie is when I feel like she lets people run over her. I think it's her personality, her compassion, her character, that lets some well meaning people feel like they can say and do things to her they'd never say or do to someone else. We've had to give each other pep talks before handy men came or such to remind ourselves that we can stand up for ourselves without being mean. And so many times she's kept her mouth shut when others have done her wrong. I'd want to call the person up and tell them how Chantel gave so much to them and they'd had taken advantage of her, but she never let me. She's not out for justice or revenge or others knowing she's right and they were wrong. She just loves and lets God take care of the rest. And she never stops giving. And touching others' lives.

When I was younger I used to think Chantel just needed to be tougher....you know, stand up for herself. Speak her mind more when she feels like someone did her wrong. Because that's what we do right. We set people straight. We don't let anyone tell us what to do or make us feel uncomfortable. Hmmm. Maybe we've got it backwards. What did Jesus mean when the last shall be first? What did Jesus mean when he said the meek will inherit the earth? What does the Bible mean when it says a "broken and contrite heart?' You know what, Jimmie reminds me of Jesus. He didn't have to go around proving how strong He was. And you know what, to be able to love unconditionally and forgive when not asked to and to hold your tongue and not feel the need to defend or build yourself up....well, actually that is strength. In fact, it is the greatest strength of all. It's the same strength Jesus displayed on His time on earth.

And you know what, shouldn't we all be like Jesus. Shouldn't we all try to be like Jimmie! Love our neighbor as ourself. When I read this in First Corinthians I think of Chantel...

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

That Scripture IS Chantel. Chantel IS this Scripture. Jimmie IS love!

What would cause someone to do such a thing?

Years ago I found out about this family who adopted a child who is disabled. I watched them bring him to events, park his wheelchair, and then carry on as normal. He looked younger than their other two children and I wondered why they adopted him. I mean, I had always wanted to adopt (and as you know we are) but not a child in a wheelchair. What could that boy possibly offer to that family, right? By adopting him they just added more work to their lives...and just when their other children looked old enough to get easier to take care of. Hmmm. I was puzzled.

Fast forward to June 21, 2010. I find myself in an orphanage on the other side of the world full of special needs children. At first I was scared. Really scared. Daniel and I had just made the decision after being on the non-special needs list of China for almost three years to switch to the special needs program, or waiting child program as some say. So here I was on a mission trip surrounded by children that met that criteria. Yikes! Did we really make the right decision? I mean, some of the children were completely handicapped and others' medical condition China would not even allow them to be adopted. That night I went back to my hotel room and found myself in a fog. I wanted to go home to safety, to my three healthy children, to my nice home and tell Daniel we should change our mind.

Now looking back to write this, I remember very clearly what was running through my head. But now it's hard for me to even comprehend my thought process because it changed so drastically in those next two days. As I spent time with the children and got to know them I no longer saw their "special needs." Well, I should say I saw their needs, but they didn't make me feel uncomfortable anymore. It was familiar and I felt at home. I can remember playing with a little boy with cerebral palsy. He is one of the children that I really bonded with. He's 12 years old. Once he turns 14 he can no longer be adopted according to Chinese law. I imagined me bringing him home. I imagined him going places with my kids, playing games with cousins, swimming! I imagined him GOING OUTSIDE, something I'm not sure he has ever done. Going to school! To learn! What I didn't imagine is if it would be difficult, exhausting, or expensive. Because while I was there none of that mattered. What if I he could ask me to adopt him? What would I say? Well, sweet little boy, I would adopt you and take you out of this institution forever to live with my fun, happy, loving family in America but I think you would mess up our plans. You have so many needs, and you are 12! We want a little baby that can't remember anything troublesome. And you can't speak English. Plus, we can't afford your medical care. We have to think about not ruining our children's lives by bringing in an orphan with so many needs. Sorry.

That is sad. Really sad. And while I was there I didn't think like that, returning home, back to "reality" (or is it?) I find myself pondering things that are close to the sadness above. I remember one night in China sending Daniel a text that read, "If we didn't think about all the what ifs in life it would be so easy to make decisions." Being at that orphanage, knowing what we have her in America, it's a NO BRAINER. Get a kid, ANY kid, and bring them into tour family! Why is adoption such a difficult decision anyway?

Could it be fear? Fear that they will hate us and never bond. Fear that we will go bankrupt paying their medical bills. Fear that we won't ever love them like one that comes from us. Fear that they will be a burden to raise and may never be able to function on their own. Fear that it will warp our biological children and not be fair to them. Fear that it will be way too much work.

So then how do we make our decisions in life? Based on fear? Or based on what we know we should do. Based on what God would want us to do. Based on our heart. Based on what God did for us!

I think in our minds it may be "easier" to love a child with special needs if they look like us. If they are our biological children. Because we love of biological children no matter what they act like, look like, or talk like. They are ours. I wonder how hard it is to love a child who is not your biological child and has special needs.... That week while I was there God was doing something strong in me. I felt all alone...with Him. I think that being at that orphanage with those children was the closest physically I've ever felt to God. I could feel that He was speaking things to me that I wasn't so sure I was ready for. I felt like He was looking for a response from me. I felt like He was stretching me.

I have read several blogs where well meaning women make statements about adoption that make others feel mad and guilty if they aren't adopting a child. I am not going to say everyone should adopt. I only know that I used to not consider adoption. And now, I'm amazed at the thought of us not adopting. It makes me sad and scared to think we would've missed out on so much! But my aim is to share with you my journey so that you might consider adopting, or giving money to someone's adoption, or sending donations to orphanages, or visiting orphans!

All I can say is that since Daniel and I opened our hearts WIDE OPEN to God and let go of what we had in mind, what we had planned, what we thought was "normal" then big changes started happening! And we like them. It's fun to serve God and know that His ways are perfect. And whatever His plan is for us, we are ready. I just want to be an empty vessel, a clump of clay He can do whatever He wants. I don't want ME to get in the way of HIM in ME!

Back to that family I mentioned first. How could they do such a thing as adopt that boy knowing well ahead of time the work and sacrifice that was involved??? Now I get it. Now I realize that it's not all about me and us! It's about that boy. It's about getting out of ourselves and changing someone's life. Whether it's an orphan in China or the person on the street of Tulsa. It's about doing something led by the Spirit of God without letting your flesh dictate.

Pastor Sharon said something that really hit home to me a few months ago. She was preaching on giving and serving others. She said one of the reasons why we don't get more involved with others is because we are afraid of assuming responsibility. It's easy to send a check to Haiti but it's harder to go there. It's easy to give the homeless man a couple of dollars but it's harder to sit down and talk to him for five minutes and see if he needs help.

I'm asking God to be my Lord of all my decisions. Every move I make. I just don't want to miss out on His plan for my life. Even if the road is harder.

PS. the boy pictured above is not the boy in the story

Do I value life too much?

Ever since I watched my dad pass into eternity at age 45 my perspective changed....and then when my pastor stepped into eternity at a very young 58 it changed again. And then a precious little girl close to Phoebe....and then a loving brother who gave part of his liver to save his brother from a chronic liver disease..... all stepped from this earth into eternity....way too young.

It's got me thinking about something. Maybe we place too much value on long life. I'm just thinking out loud here... but maybe we see life as our chance to shine, our chance to grow up, make a name for ourselves, travel to all the places we dream of, have children who have chidren who grow up to be successful with prosperous careers. Have cute kids that play sports and go to college and make us proud. Live a long time and grow old gracefully surrounded by markers of success all around us, and then peacefully die when we are old and everyone honor our lives.

And if that is interrupted in any way, especially if our lives are cut short by the standard of old age, then something must've gone wrong. What went wrong? What happened? What did we do? What didn't we do? What should we have done different? How could this happen? How could a little child be taken from this earth so young...without a chance to live a long life?

And we think and ponder...but never are satisfied with an answer so the next tragedy we hear about....shock again...how could that happen! And it affects us as if nothing has ever happened bad before. Why? Because we value life so much....but not just life, long life.

I've never seen a person make better use of their life than Billy Joe Daugherty, my spiritual father. And while I dream every day of him being back again as if nothing ever happened, I realize that he didn't waste any time and he used it all for the Kingdom of God, not to pursue his success.

My dad loved his family and we and he had no regrets. We loved each other, we said it, we lived it. He worked hard too provide for us. He loved God.....but 45 years, come on, that's just way to young.

But if I look at life differently for a moment, if I look at life as a vapor, just as the Word of God calls it, then I'm not so upset, mad, and confused at tragic death. Do you think God welcomes those who die young into Heaven with a hung head as if to say I'm so sorry you had to leave that wonderful place early and come here to Me? I don't think He does. I wonder if in Heaven LIFE becomes crystal clear....LIFE truly begins when we reach Eternity! What if this is just a training ground? What if this is just a blip of time given to us so that we could choose or reject God. People born everyday hopefully to grow up to choose God so that we could live with Him forever. And all that other stuff really doesn't matter. Like length of time here.

If Eternity is forever....then what difference does a short or long time on Earth really matter after all. And think about all the sad little children who die early....at least they never grew up and turned away from God, right?

I'm not saying life here doesn't matter, but that maybe we should look at our time here differently. How much time does the average American waste in their lifetime watching trash on television. How much time does the average American waste building a bank account or the facade of one through their home and vehicles? How much time does the average American waste living for themselves, and feeling sorry for their life and the things that has happened to them?

What if from this point on we made life really count? So that if we left this earth tomorrow or in 40 years it would be ok. And what if we become resilient to tragedy? We believe for miracles, prosperity, health and long life. But if life doesn't go as we want, plan, or need it to, then we adapt, we change, we grow, we bend, we stare boldly at tragedy and know that God is still God and we have a purpose in this life that goes beyond happiness and safety.

Hmmmm....I think I'm gonna try that.

Are Holy Ghosts good or bad? -Rob

In honor of Rob's birthday I thought I'd share some of his famous quotes over his 8 years with you all!

"Mom, you can't lose your sweet tooth, can you?"

Upon looking at his toddler bed that Johnny was using, "This bed brings back so many good memories!"

When asked why he doesn't eat the crusts on his sandwiches, "Everytime I start to eat the crusts, I start to not feel better."

"It's fun to be a dog, but it's funner to be a boy."

"Is there a measurer in Heaven to see if you're tall enough to ride the rides?' he asked this when he was around 4 and he was very concerned.

When he was four he would see Phoebe do homework, "I am sure glad boys don't have to do homework."

"Jesus can run faster than a cheetah!"

While eating french toast he pointed to the powdered sugar on top and asked, "Mom, is this the french?"

"The devil likes alligators because they're mean."

"It is my dream to live at IHOP (the restaurant) and it is my dream to live at Disney World, so I really don't know which one to choose."

One morning I could not find any pants that fit Rob. He is growing and all his pants are too tight. Finally I just told him that he is going to have to wear the ones he had on...they were the biggest we had, but they had a hole in each knee of the jeans!
Rob said, "I cannot wear these jeans to school! These will bother me all day long and when we sit down criss cross apple sauce my knees will poke out of these jeans and bother me and I will disturb other people around me and then I will break the code of conduct that says you cannot disturb other people!"

While in the GAP dressing room:
He takes off his pants to try on jeans...
"are you allowed to do this in here?" while he squinches his face to
one side
"Yes Rob" I replied.
"Are you allowed to do ANYTHING YOU WANT in here?" He asks with
excitement and wonder
Like what, I said
"Are you allowed to take off your underwear in here?!!!!"

"Houses have to be messy so kids can play and eat and have fun!" when asked why they make such big messes.

"Phoebe's not in charge of everything or the whole wide world! Jesus is!"

"Mom come play with me,
me- Rob, I have to clean and cook supper!
Rob- "that's boring. I don't think I'm gonna do that when I get older."

"I'm starting to not believe in dreams anymore!!!" believe it or not, he said this around age 5 when the Maya and Miguel DVD wouldn't work!!! LOL

"Daddy, when you get old if you don't have any energy, I'll be there to make you a sandwich." <3

After wanting and waiting months for a remote controlled dalmation from the Disney store only to get it home and find out it didn't work, he shuffled down the hall and mumbled to himself, "I waited all this time for nothin!"

After waking up one morning and noticing his markers were left out all night without the lids on: "Johnny is never ever again allowed to use my markers again. Not even when God comes to pick us up!!! He can never never again use them here on earth. But...... he can use them in Heaven cause I know nobody leaves marker tops off in Heaven....right Mommy?"

and yes, he did ask me if Holy Ghosts were good or bad when he was younger! Precious!

I love that boy so much. Daniel has always called him golden and All-American since he was born and he truly is. When he was a baby just minutes old he scooted all the way up my chest and nestled his face into my neck. I was amazed and wondered if he could repeat the motion so I pulled him down and he did it again and again and again!

Plus, he came almost 4 weeks early and was fully developed. He was ready to see us! He is precious. So obedient and loyal and looks out for others. I thank God for my Robert! He even got his namesakes broad shoulders. My dad would be proud!

Have you ever screamed at the top of your lungs at church?

Lately I've found myself at meetings and services where it's gotten pretty wild. Pure crazy and loud for Jesus! I'm talking, the kind of noise you only are used to hearing at college football stadiums. I have been in many many great church services and evangelistic meetings over the years but something has changed lately. Do you feel it?

I can remember when John Bevere came to our church last year and told us to shout for freedom at the top of our lungs. The roar shook the building and went on for at least 3 minutes maybe longer. It was the loudest sound I'd ever heard and yet it was music to my ears. What did that do you ask? Is there any need for that in the church you might think? Well you tell me? Have you ever shouted in praise to God like that? Well if you haven't then you have no idea.

I've been in a charismatic church now for around 18 years. There's always been excitement and a small group of people that were "free." But it wasn't me. I remember raising my arms half way in praise to God. That felt good to me. I was able to express my surrender and love for God in a new way that was safe but didn't draw too much attention to me. Because I'm sure everyone was looking at me....right? Lol. Why does everything have to be about us?

Then I remember the day that I flung my arms as high as I could get them in the air...and it felt good. I couldn't keep my arms down. I was unaware of the moment. Caught up with Him! Because I got to know my God a little better. I realized how much He loves me and gave me....and just like someone in the natural who'd had given me such a great gift, I found myself needing to express my love and gratitude a bit differently.

When sports fanatics watch a game they get into it. They yell and holler and laugh and run around like drunk idiots! (No offense sports fanatics. But you know you do!) Why do they do that? Because they are DEVOTED to their team. Because they love to celebrate with other fans and proudly let it be known that that's their team!!! Speaking of drunk...have you ever realized how drunk people don't care who's watching....they are in another world aren't they. They are caught up in drunk fantasy world! Makes me think of the scripture in Acts when the people accuse the believers speaking in tongues of being drunk. I wonder what they were doing and how they were acting to be accused of being drunk? Well I know....because I've seen it. How much PASSION did Jesus have for you gong to that cross? How much have you got for Him?

You know what the world does. It perverts. And it steals from the Bible. Hollywood's great stories of good vs. evil. All of Buddah's encouraging words. The Bible is the beginning. Everything came from it. And yet in this move of new age and karma people act like some person was a genius for discovering some new law of attraction and whatnot. But you see the world takes things and claims them for itself.

Why will we go to a football game and scream and holler for our team and jump up and down and shout praises when they are victorious? Why do people take their school colors and wear them upon every inch of their bodies in pride? But when we go to church we gotta act cilivized, right? Put on your church face and your church clothes and try not to fall asleep when the preacher is preaching.

Well my days of that are over. Because He's been too good to me to stay silent. I have discovered Him in a way I never dreamed. He's real to me. He's more real than you are to me. And there is nothing I enjoy more that getting in a room full of believers who just wanna express themselves to God. I find that I can't keep my arms down! I can't stay in the seat being entertained by the offering song! He's been too good to me. He's changed me forever and I can't help myself. I'm undone and I like it.

One morning I woke up with the words IT WAS FOR FREEDOM THAT CHRIST SET YOU FREE in my mind. They were so loud and clear and intimate and direct that I felt like I'd never heard them before. Like it was said to me for the first time.....so I remember asking Daniel if it was a Scripture because I was so confused. Of course it was (so thankful that my husband knows the Word forwards and backwards...he should be on a Bible trivia game show!). Yes, there it was in Galatians 5:1, "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Look at it in a few different translations:

New Living Translation (©2007)
So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.

The Message
Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.

And that morning in the bed I realized that this verse is for me in every area of my life. If I am bound by a habit, Christ set me free on the cross! If I am bound by what others think of me, Christ set me free on the cross! And He didn't do it just for kicks! He did it so I WOULD TRULY BE FREE. When we take up those same things He died for it's like saying His sacrifice wasn't enough. But it was. And you know, fear of man can be so crippling. And it's really sad that we let the devil control us so much with it. I was ready to live life differently. Put all my eggs in one basket. Lay it all on the line. Sell out! No matter what.

You see, God is a jealous God. The same God from Deuteronomy is the same God we serve. And guess what? He's still jealous. He wants ALL of us. Not a half-hearted puny part reserved for proper worship on Sunday mornings. He wants every fiber of our being to worship Him and only Him. And He deserves it.

God isn't going to let the passion of a bunch of sold-out sports fanatics or young Muslim suicide bombers burn harder and brighter than His people. He's calling a remnant to be sold out for Jesus! John the Baptist radicals to proclaim the coming of the Lord! To usher in His presence with worldy abandonment! He's coming back for us. Not the lukewarm church who can't remember it's first love. To the bride burning with passion and zeal! Who's been preparing for this moment it's whole life just as a young bride dreams of her wedding. Who's kept herself for the only One that really matters and forsaken the lusts and draws of the world.

I'm not saying you have to throw your arms in the air to worship God. Why would I say that? People are all different, with differences and different expressions. Freedom may look and feel different to different people. But I wonder what it's gonna be like in Heaven?? How happy will we be? Oh how fun to run and rejoice with the angels! To shout Hosanna! To fall on our faces in gratitude and awe of the beauty, justice and mercy of the God of the universe who saved our souls!

I'm ready! But until then, I want to get in alot of practice!!!

Seventeen

taken from a note I wrote on February 2, 2010...

Seventeen years ago today I watched my dad take his last breath in his body and watched it die. I can still remember that moment like yesterday. Seventeen years is a long time. And I only knew him for 19 years, so that's even more amazing that I can remember him.

I remember watching his tired body struggle so hard to breathe. Every breath I'd think, "was that his last?" When he did take that last breath I can remember feeling many things but the most powerful feeling was a peace that passed understanding.

We had believed with all our hearts that my dad would be healed by God of this cancer. He had struggled for almost 2 years with it, and 11 years earlier as well. But this time, we had discovered that God still does miracles today! We had discovered the power of the Holy Spirit, thanks to a random stranger visiting my dad in the hospital one day. Or maybe it wasn't random...

So those almost two years we read, we studied, we prayed, we made him drink papaya juice, we traveled to evangelistic healing crusades. We were positioning ourselves for Dad's miraculous healing! Even though many around us were counting his days and concerned we were setting ourselves up for disappointment. We were in denial, so they said.

But we weren't in denial. We knew cancer kills. We were hopeful! We were expectant! We were humbly surrendered to His will. We were clay in His hands, and he was forming us into useful vessels and we didn't even know it. We were looking for a healing but we found Jesus!

Even my dad was open and willing and expectant. He knew he needed a miracle and he knew only one Man that could help! Those two years with Dad were precious. He changed. He became so humble. He had always been so confident. Not in a condescending, brash way. He loved people and treated everyone equal. But now he was really different. We had many special times where no words were uttered but we five all knew what was going on. God was changing us all together.

So that morning when Dad quit breathing I looked at his body. Lifeless. Cold. Pale. And at that moment a weird, overwhelming, tremendous thought rushed over me like a powerful wind.....he was in the presence of the Lord! I couldn't bring myself to cry. I'd cried all night long in the bed with Chantel thinking how bad he looked and must've felt. He was suffering so bad. But now as I looked at his body I realized the suffering had ended...forever! Forever!!!

But how could this be? This isn't what we prayed for. This isn't what we believed would happen. I mean, we believed! Surely we had more than a mustard seed.

So life went on...as it mysteriously and painfully does after tragedy. Within months I realized I needed to go somewhere that could teach me more about this Holy Spirit that had changed me so powerfully. I went to ORU that summer and found Victory and the restoration and healing began.

Meanwhile, little did I know that a boy down the street was watching me and my family and was amazed at our faith and passion for God. Often times people would come over to "express their condolences" and we'd end up having to cheer them up and give them a shot of faith, so to speak!

Now, look at my life. That boy asked me to marry him, he came to ORU too, we married and have been at our church for almost 17 years now. Chantel and Tim moved here and then my sweet mom, and here is where she found Joe after being widowed for 11 years. And she is so happy. Maybe one day we'll get Christina and family up here, but even apart God continues to knit our hearts and spirits and we are all four close to this day.

God sure is good at causing all things to work out good for people who love Him isn't He? Seeing all that has come out of my dad's passing-- Daniel, ORU, my church where I met Pastors Billy Joe and Sharon, mom finding another to love as she did first, and so on-- am I glad? No, of course not. Dad's life was taken from him at 45! That is way too young. Dad was so wonderful! We all got along so well! I still remember his fun humor-- "Amy, have you got gas?" he'd ask as I left for school. "Yes, Dad, plenty." To which he'd reply, "Are ya takin somethin for it?" just to see me laugh at him! He was such a big strong man who loved his three daughters! He'd always say how glad he was he didn't have any boys! Maybe to make us feel confident we weren't the girl he had wished was a boy, which we weren't. I miss him! Every. Single. Day. Yes, it gets easier but that only makes me sad. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget his voice, his laugh, his hands. I don't ever want to forget him hollering in his loud, deep voice during my basketball games, "Amy, don't pass the ball! Shoot the ball!"

But you know, life goes on. We can't sit around spending our whole lives crying about things we can't control. Or don't understand! You know the book of Job is so confusing. But after Job whined and asked God WHY, God didn't give him a good reason. And God loved Job. Lots. He responded to Job by WHO! Who are you Job? Do you have it all figured out? Were you there when the planets were put into motion? Were you Job?!

Well, I know I wasn't there! And oddly, through the tragic passing of my earthly father, I never once asked God why. Not because I'm smart or spiritual, but because the Holy Spirit has given me much grace and much mercy to see life differently.

You see, I am thankful God gave me such a wonderful father, even if only for 19 years. Thankful. Because I got more in those 19 years with Robert Bass as my daddy than most people get in a lifetime!

I choose to be thankful. And to trust God no matter what. Now I know why Jesus talks about leaving your family for Him--not loving or needing anyone more than God. I get it.

So for years...17 to be exact, I've longed for Heaven. I guess I was so close to it that day that I got a taste and knew it was better than imagined! It was worth it! Worth denying myself. Worth surrendering. Worth forsaking all. Worth continual obedience. No matter what.

But lately things have changed for me. Last year my pastor, Billy Joe Daugherty, the one whose ministry guided me into my stable, strong walk with God, departed this earth early too. For the two months before I didn't sleep much. Our home was turned upside down, our schedules were blown, our priorities shifted, and all we did was pray and seek God. This man whom I had come to love as my father, who taught me more about God than anyone, who walked out Christianity more beautifully than I'd ever seen, was in need of a miracle.

Are you kidding me? Again? No! But do you know what I did? I believed! A lot! And I feel quite confident I had more than a mustard seed this time. In fact, I often wonder if any man on earth in history has ever been prayed for more than he was when his need was made known.

Even till the end I believed. Even after the end I believed. In fact, I was shocked when I heard he departed this earth and entered Heaven. I still am shocked. I miss him. I miss his laugh. His prayers. His messages. His presence. You just kinda knew it was all gonna be ok with him around. And it always was. But he too is not here. He is in the presence of the Almighty God! I can't begin to imagine the homecoming he had as he entered those pearly gates! A man who had no greater love than his love for Jesus and the harvest of souls!

So it has changed for me. I no longer am ready to go to Heaven. In fact, I want to stay here on Earth as long as I can now! Because there is so much work to be done! My pastor's life has inspired me so much to see the way he lived. To see the way he loved. To live by the standard of the Word of God, not by the world. There are so many people that are broken and hurting and they need someone to show them the love of Christ. And the Body of Christ...we have so much work! We are supposed to be spotless without wrinkle. So I hope I can stay a long time till I get it right. Till I get myself together. Till I truly begin to walk in that pure, selfless, humility and let God use me in whatever way He wants, without anymore of my questions. Without any more whining from me! Without any self pity or laziness or pride or complacency.

So today, I am grateful. Grateful my dad lived such an honorable life. Grateful for my time with him. Grateful he not only knew the Lord, but he sought after Him with humility and purity. And even though he's not here, because he is not many great things have happened in my life. And they've all led me to my Heavenly Father, and I'm more in love with Him now today than I was yesterday! I am.

I would've never found ORU and all the precious friends I met there. I would've never come to Victory and been pastored by Pastor Billy Joe and most importantly, I may not have married Daniel..one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thank you Dad. For so much! I can't believe you've been up There for so long! I am jealous. Big time. Thank you God. For everything. I live for you alone! I'll see you both soon...but not too soon! P.S. Give Pastor a hug for me!