November 22, 2009: The Day My Fears Died

It's been one year since my pastor Billy Joe Daugherty left this earth and stepped into Eternity at age 57. Forever I will remember where I was the moment I heard the news that he had indeed passed. I was in my bed, trying to sleep. Having been up all night, much like the previous two months, taking the graveyard shift praying with friends and strangers in the prayer room at our church, and then trying to sleep a few moments during the day. We had such a powerful prayer time that night before. There were over a hundred people in the prayer room, brought together by one purpose only, to pray for this beloved man to rise up and have his life and health restored to him. I felt the Presence of God in that room more than I had ever before in my life that night. Surely it was real. Surely it wasn't pure hype and emotion. Surely our prayers had reached Heaven and been found pleasing to God. So when I went to bed that morning I felt strongly that there had been a major shift in the night. A breakthrough!!! I just knew it.

When Daniel came up beside me that morning and said my name, I just knew by his voice what he was going to tell me. I didn't even look at him. I just buried my face in my pillow. No. I didn't want to hear it. It could not be true. Not after the night of prayer and praise we had just had seeking God. I couldn't believe it.

I reminded me too much of the same early morning that my own daddy left earth at age 45 seventeen years ago. How my mom and my two sisters just crawled into bed together and closed our eyes and cried ourselves to sleep. The exhaustion. Of holding on. Of believing. Of having your whole life uprooted and twisted into despair and trying to hold your head up.

My greatest fear as a child was one of my parents dying. Grey hair scared me. I did not want my parents getting old and closer to death. My daddy was my security. He was the perfect daddy to me. He was big and strong and burly and wise and funny. He brought blankets to me when I was cold and turned on my fan for me at night in the summertime to make sure I was cool. He filled my car up with gas so I never had to. He gave me money in case of an emergency. He told me I was beautiful and smart and talented and I never once doubted it. He was my security.

When my daddy passed I wondered what I'd do. Where would my security come from? Who would take care of me? Who would take care of my sweet pretty momma?! I left that summer to come to Tulsa and ORU because I knew God was leading me to (although I came home on weekends more than any other person at ORU just to check on Mom). Shortly after getting to ORU I found Victory...and Pastor Billy Joe.

Pastor Billy Joe became a father figure to me. He became my spiritual security. Over the years at ORU I leaned on my church and Pastor Billy Joe and Sharon's messages. I became secure in my spiritual life. I became strong. Pastor Billy Joe took care of me in a sense. He has challenged me for 17 years to live better and love God and others more. He has guided me through many tough times helping me to focus on the "main thing." His optimism, his faith, his gentleness, his love, his presence....all shaped me into the person I am today. There is no better man on earth I found to sit under their spiritual leadership and scrutinize than Billy Joe Daugherty. He was found to be stable, true, and pure in every area of his life.

Dad and Pastor Billy Joe both took care of me in a sense. They both were the most influential people in my life, along with my mom. They both left this earth early.

When my dad passed I stared my greatest fear dead in the face. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I didn't go crazy. I didn't rebel, I didn't give up. I amazingly just went on. So easily that I would often forget such tragedy had struck my life when I heard of other friends losing a parent and I'd wonder how on earth they could make it without them. It was grace from God, no doubt. I thought that if I could survive my greatest fear happening and still manage to live a happy, well adjusted faith filled life, then I could handle anything!

When Pastor Billy Joe passed...it was different. My physical security wasn't taken away, it was my spiritual security. It was as if everything I had every believed and everything that he had ever spoken was up for grabs...being challenged. Would it stand the test? The grieving and mourning process for Pastor Billy Joe was harder than it was for my own father. My daddy had been through so much pain that when I saw him take the last breath I was almost relieved that he could just go to Heaven with God. No more working. No more having to pay bills. No more headaches. But call me selfish, I was not able to let Pastor Billy Joe go as easily. For days after I heard of his passing I believed for resurrection. It wasn't until the memorial service that Daniel and I actually faced the fact that he was gone from this earth for good.

Months of morning him. Months of crying my eyes out in church week after week after week. Months of missing him and searching for answers. I realized that he had become my security. And now I had to stand on my own two spiritual feet and make the decision. Was I gonna abandon my faith? Was I gonna change my theology? Or was I gonna dig my heels deep and say I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. Smack dab in the middle of believing God does the impossible.

I believe in healing. I believe in the SAME SCRIPTURES that we stood on, that we prayed, that we read out loud HUNDREDS of times in those last two months of my pastor's life here. I believe in the Word of God. I believe God heals today and raises the dead. I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. And I always will.

I didn't think I feared anything after my dad passed. Nothing really got to me. I am not a worrier. I don't get scared or uptight about things. I just know that anyone can adjust and change and learn to live without someone else in their life and that life isn't worth quitting for any reason at all. But before that day a year ago today, I realized that I had still feared that God's Word was not true. That we might have it wrong. November 22, 2009 was the day my fears died. All those fears have dissipated since that day. I am no longer afraid. I can face every day with the Word of God knowing that it is true. I know my God loves me and works all things out for my good as I trust Him. I can see His mighty Hand upon the Daugherty family and my church and I am in awe of Him and His goodness and grace.

God doesn't have to prove anything to me for me to love and believe Him. But He does every day. Everyday when I walk closer to him since these two tragedies I feel His love. I feel stronger. When I see the way Pastor Sharon has led our church in the midst of turmoil and how the joy of the Lord is her strength it makes me love Jesus more! It makes me so proud to serve the only true God Who makes a way, Who redeems, Who binds the broken hearted, Who gives hope to the hopeless. I will stand for Him if no one else does. I will never go back on my decision to deny myself and follow God. I am His and He is mine. Forever.

And ALL my security is in HIM ALONE. Right where He wanted it. And I will never fear again. Because I know one day I'll see Him face to face and none of this will matter....only that I never stopped believing.