Seventeen

taken from a note I wrote on February 2, 2010...

Seventeen years ago today I watched my dad take his last breath in his body and watched it die. I can still remember that moment like yesterday. Seventeen years is a long time. And I only knew him for 19 years, so that's even more amazing that I can remember him.

I remember watching his tired body struggle so hard to breathe. Every breath I'd think, "was that his last?" When he did take that last breath I can remember feeling many things but the most powerful feeling was a peace that passed understanding.

We had believed with all our hearts that my dad would be healed by God of this cancer. He had struggled for almost 2 years with it, and 11 years earlier as well. But this time, we had discovered that God still does miracles today! We had discovered the power of the Holy Spirit, thanks to a random stranger visiting my dad in the hospital one day. Or maybe it wasn't random...

So those almost two years we read, we studied, we prayed, we made him drink papaya juice, we traveled to evangelistic healing crusades. We were positioning ourselves for Dad's miraculous healing! Even though many around us were counting his days and concerned we were setting ourselves up for disappointment. We were in denial, so they said.

But we weren't in denial. We knew cancer kills. We were hopeful! We were expectant! We were humbly surrendered to His will. We were clay in His hands, and he was forming us into useful vessels and we didn't even know it. We were looking for a healing but we found Jesus!

Even my dad was open and willing and expectant. He knew he needed a miracle and he knew only one Man that could help! Those two years with Dad were precious. He changed. He became so humble. He had always been so confident. Not in a condescending, brash way. He loved people and treated everyone equal. But now he was really different. We had many special times where no words were uttered but we five all knew what was going on. God was changing us all together.

So that morning when Dad quit breathing I looked at his body. Lifeless. Cold. Pale. And at that moment a weird, overwhelming, tremendous thought rushed over me like a powerful wind.....he was in the presence of the Lord! I couldn't bring myself to cry. I'd cried all night long in the bed with Chantel thinking how bad he looked and must've felt. He was suffering so bad. But now as I looked at his body I realized the suffering had ended...forever! Forever!!!

But how could this be? This isn't what we prayed for. This isn't what we believed would happen. I mean, we believed! Surely we had more than a mustard seed.

So life went on...as it mysteriously and painfully does after tragedy. Within months I realized I needed to go somewhere that could teach me more about this Holy Spirit that had changed me so powerfully. I went to ORU that summer and found Victory and the restoration and healing began.

Meanwhile, little did I know that a boy down the street was watching me and my family and was amazed at our faith and passion for God. Often times people would come over to "express their condolences" and we'd end up having to cheer them up and give them a shot of faith, so to speak!

Now, look at my life. That boy asked me to marry him, he came to ORU too, we married and have been at our church for almost 17 years now. Chantel and Tim moved here and then my sweet mom, and here is where she found Joe after being widowed for 11 years. And she is so happy. Maybe one day we'll get Christina and family up here, but even apart God continues to knit our hearts and spirits and we are all four close to this day.

God sure is good at causing all things to work out good for people who love Him isn't He? Seeing all that has come out of my dad's passing-- Daniel, ORU, my church where I met Pastors Billy Joe and Sharon, mom finding another to love as she did first, and so on-- am I glad? No, of course not. Dad's life was taken from him at 45! That is way too young. Dad was so wonderful! We all got along so well! I still remember his fun humor-- "Amy, have you got gas?" he'd ask as I left for school. "Yes, Dad, plenty." To which he'd reply, "Are ya takin somethin for it?" just to see me laugh at him! He was such a big strong man who loved his three daughters! He'd always say how glad he was he didn't have any boys! Maybe to make us feel confident we weren't the girl he had wished was a boy, which we weren't. I miss him! Every. Single. Day. Yes, it gets easier but that only makes me sad. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget his voice, his laugh, his hands. I don't ever want to forget him hollering in his loud, deep voice during my basketball games, "Amy, don't pass the ball! Shoot the ball!"

But you know, life goes on. We can't sit around spending our whole lives crying about things we can't control. Or don't understand! You know the book of Job is so confusing. But after Job whined and asked God WHY, God didn't give him a good reason. And God loved Job. Lots. He responded to Job by WHO! Who are you Job? Do you have it all figured out? Were you there when the planets were put into motion? Were you Job?!

Well, I know I wasn't there! And oddly, through the tragic passing of my earthly father, I never once asked God why. Not because I'm smart or spiritual, but because the Holy Spirit has given me much grace and much mercy to see life differently.

You see, I am thankful God gave me such a wonderful father, even if only for 19 years. Thankful. Because I got more in those 19 years with Robert Bass as my daddy than most people get in a lifetime!

I choose to be thankful. And to trust God no matter what. Now I know why Jesus talks about leaving your family for Him--not loving or needing anyone more than God. I get it.

So for years...17 to be exact, I've longed for Heaven. I guess I was so close to it that day that I got a taste and knew it was better than imagined! It was worth it! Worth denying myself. Worth surrendering. Worth forsaking all. Worth continual obedience. No matter what.

But lately things have changed for me. Last year my pastor, Billy Joe Daugherty, the one whose ministry guided me into my stable, strong walk with God, departed this earth early too. For the two months before I didn't sleep much. Our home was turned upside down, our schedules were blown, our priorities shifted, and all we did was pray and seek God. This man whom I had come to love as my father, who taught me more about God than anyone, who walked out Christianity more beautifully than I'd ever seen, was in need of a miracle.

Are you kidding me? Again? No! But do you know what I did? I believed! A lot! And I feel quite confident I had more than a mustard seed this time. In fact, I often wonder if any man on earth in history has ever been prayed for more than he was when his need was made known.

Even till the end I believed. Even after the end I believed. In fact, I was shocked when I heard he departed this earth and entered Heaven. I still am shocked. I miss him. I miss his laugh. His prayers. His messages. His presence. You just kinda knew it was all gonna be ok with him around. And it always was. But he too is not here. He is in the presence of the Almighty God! I can't begin to imagine the homecoming he had as he entered those pearly gates! A man who had no greater love than his love for Jesus and the harvest of souls!

So it has changed for me. I no longer am ready to go to Heaven. In fact, I want to stay here on Earth as long as I can now! Because there is so much work to be done! My pastor's life has inspired me so much to see the way he lived. To see the way he loved. To live by the standard of the Word of God, not by the world. There are so many people that are broken and hurting and they need someone to show them the love of Christ. And the Body of Christ...we have so much work! We are supposed to be spotless without wrinkle. So I hope I can stay a long time till I get it right. Till I get myself together. Till I truly begin to walk in that pure, selfless, humility and let God use me in whatever way He wants, without anymore of my questions. Without any more whining from me! Without any self pity or laziness or pride or complacency.

So today, I am grateful. Grateful my dad lived such an honorable life. Grateful for my time with him. Grateful he not only knew the Lord, but he sought after Him with humility and purity. And even though he's not here, because he is not many great things have happened in my life. And they've all led me to my Heavenly Father, and I'm more in love with Him now today than I was yesterday! I am.

I would've never found ORU and all the precious friends I met there. I would've never come to Victory and been pastored by Pastor Billy Joe and most importantly, I may not have married Daniel..one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Thank you Dad. For so much! I can't believe you've been up There for so long! I am jealous. Big time. Thank you God. For everything. I live for you alone! I'll see you both soon...but not too soon! P.S. Give Pastor a hug for me!