I recently read this article by Kristen Howerton about how women can fight with each other about so many things that are unnecesary, but yet we should all be instead waging a war to fight for children's safety and futures! It's like women have to pick apart every other thing that other women around them are doing. I can remember when I had my first baby this one friend of mine went on and on about babywise. How her perfect child slept through the night and how perfect her life is. Me, having a child who gagged in the hospital and continued to act like she was choking to death the first year of her life AND developed excema at 4 months and scratched her head until she bled, I was doing ALL I COULD to hold it together and not pull a Marie Osmond and take off driving up the coast without telling anyone for four days!
The next child that same friend had, guess what? Babywise didn't work on this child. Same schedule, same procedures. But it didn't work. I can remember my friend saying how wrong she was to tell everyone that it would work on anyone. I appreciated her humility. It just frustrates me so much how women can tear each other down. It starts young.
But I see this same thing happening in the Body of Christ. Howerton's article was entitled The Only Mommy War Worth Waging. There is an only Christian war worth waging. Winning the lost. For so many Americans when you are a life-long Christian after you learn all about God and the Bible and you get to know everyone in your church then you sometimes can get bored. And when you get bored you have to either rebel to have fun, or you start critiquing the people around you...who are Christians...because you've been a Christian for so long. So then you can get caught up in this horrible game of judging everyone around you. How they raise their children, what foods they eat, what church they go to church, when they go to church, if they speak in tongues, if they play baseball on Sundays, if they eat at All-You-Can-Eat buffets at casinos, if they bring their Bible to church or use the Bible app on their iPhone. Get the picture. Gee, the possible discussions and disagreements are endless! Certainly able to keep us busy and totally NON-BORED until Jesus comes back!
Our good friend Aaron Stern, pastor of Mill City Church (www.millcitychurch.org) in Fort Collins, Colorado, helped me understand something I had been struggling with. He said that when someone gives their life to Christ, we figuratively give people two bags. He would first give them a little bag. In the little bag would be all the non-negotiables of Christianity. Things like salvation only through Jesus, the infallibility of God's Word, the triune nature of God, etc. You get the picture. In the second and much bigger bag would be other things that the person wouldn't need to concern themselves with immediately as they just got born again. This big bag contains things that differ between denominations and churches. Things like healing, tongues, predestination, etc. The second bag is full of subjects that can have more than one conclusion. Even though there may be differing conclusions, they come from a responsible handling of Scripture. The things in the small bag are worth fighting over and the things in the big bag are not worth losing your Christianity or friends and family over! The size of each bag is important, because if we fill the non-negotiable bag with things that belong in the second bag we can end up fighting over things that are discussible with the same passion for those that aren't.
This makes SO MUCH SENSE TO ME!!!! It helped me so much. Most of my family and friends from my childhood attend Baptist churches or other denominational churches. After I went to ORU most of my friends went to non-denominational churches. But in those non-denominational churches there are SO many different churches with different styles and mission statements and...big bags.
I'm sure the world must just laugh and make fun of the Body of Christ the way we bicker with each other. We can certainly see it in the way they make fun of us in Hollywood and the music industry. I know that when Jesus returns for His bride that we have GOT to look different than we look right now. And it sometimes scares me to remember that the times that people have come together and worked in like mind and heart is greatest during great tragedies. I wonder if that's what will happen to the Body of Christ. Will it take something devastating to draw us closer?
I've made a decision that I'm not going to get caught up in the game of fighting with other Christians! Done. I'm over it and have wasted time in my life concerned about what others have in their big bag. The only Christian war worth fighting is winning the lost.
The other day as I was driving to my sister's house and reflecting on tragic circumstances of some dear Christians I know and how bad things happen to good people who love God, I had a revelation. I imagined God in Heaven looking down on every person ever made. He saw me. He put a check by my name. Amy Renee Bass, check! And He kept looking at the rest of His children. None loved more than any other, but all loved to the greatest measure. And I thought about the parable of the lost sheep. It's not that He loved me any less than the stray sheep, but that His eye is on that one to bring him back into the flock. Jesus came for this reason. To seek and save the lost. And it was almost as if I could hear my Heavenly Father saying- You get it! You are mine and I am yours. You love me. You serve me. You get it! Eternal salvation is yours! As if in response to my thoughts about why horrible tragedies happen to firm believers. (No matter how much I believe, and do not doubt God, every time a great tragedy occurs, a young person dies, I always find myself a bit shocked that it couldn't have been prevented by God.) And so I just had this thought, Why can't we as Christians just be grateful for our eternal salvation. Isn't that enough? What an incredible gift we have been given. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! But yet it's so hard not to continually ask God for MORE MORE MORE. More protection, more love, more money, more clothes, more houses, more cars, more grace, more healing, more chances, more breath. We cannot forget that we have already been given MORE than we could ever ask for. Eternal salvation.
And since I am so grateful that my name is written in His precious book, then my heart wants to help Him with His mission. Winning the lost. Winning the lost. Winning the lost. Not fighting over churches and mini-skirts and Lady Gaga. Winning the Lost. I have to be honest and say that I have found myself in such frustrated states that I have asked Husband for YEARS now to move our family overseas. China, Africa, just for starters. I've begged him and told him that I just want to get away from the way the Body of Christ looks in America. And I just want to help bring people to God through Christ. I think about Mother Teresa. What an honorable life! I've asked him to just move us to India and let me help the people there as she did. To raise our children in a drastically different atmosphere than American popular culture today. But Husband reminds me that to go overseas because I want to get away from America is not a good reason to go. And he is right. I don't want to run from America or the American church. I want to be able to love and live here without getting into discussions about Katy Perry or the Gospel of Grace and getting upset.
Nothing will matter when we step into Eternity except our decision to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and the people in our lives that we touched. And maybe my problem is I don't have enough lost friends. My life is so busy with school and kids and church that I will have to make a concerted effort to change this. But I'm all in. For life. Winning the lost. Being a light for His good news to spread. LOVE. Love. Love.
Winning the lost. The only Christian war worth waging.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Is Your Secret Hurting You and Others?
I want to recommend a book that my dear friend Aaron Stern just wrote. It's such an interesting topic and I feel it's so needed in Christian circles today if we want to see true healing come to the Body of Christ. Aaron is a scholar and avid reader and researcher. The book is full of wisdom.
It's called What's Your Secret? and you can order it here.
And here is the link to Aaron's blog, one of my favorite blogs I keep up with.
Cloudy People Are Most Beautiful
I love watching the sky, looking at weather radar, looking at the forecast, predicting the forecast. I love it. Husband says I should have been a meteorologist. I say, I AM! So many times we can get so busy that we never look up. The sky is so untouched by man. It's like it is God's canvas everyday that He decides what it will look like.
We moved into our current home 2 years ago. Where we lived the 11 years before we could not see the sunset. Here we see the sun set every night. It captures us. Often one of us will holler for the others to run to the window or outside and look at the sun setting. Sometimes there are colors in it that remind me of Heaven because they are not familiar to me here on earth. When I look at sun sets the only thing I can think of is GOD!
So over the years I've realized something. Sunsets are WAY more beautiful when it is a cloudy day. Have you noticed that? It's true. The patterns of the clouds, the shadows, the reflections, the drama!
This morning I saw the clouds in a way I have never ever witnessed before. It took me and my son Robert back! We just stared in amazement. WOW. The clouds were draping in a way that looked like....well I don't know! I cannot describe it. I took a photo, but they never do the real sky justice (just like watching online church or a video never conveys the Presence of the Holy Spirit the same as if you are there).
This is what our sky looked like this morning!
When I was looking at the beauty of the sky God spoke to my heart that often times the most beauty in life is found in the midst of clouds. In life when we are going through hard times and feel hidden by gloominess and such, the way we respond to the circumstances and to God can be more beautiful than ever. And the scars in our life from past battles fought only paint a more unique and radiant sky for others to be blessed by. It is not in our perfection that others see Christ, but in our weaknesses when we gain our strength from Him.
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
The older I get the more I dread flying but I still enjoy one part...going above the clouds. Once we went up through dark dreary clouds and once we got above them the sun shone so brightly everyone had to lower their shades. I glanced back down to land and noticed the dreadful looking storm clouds. I just thought that everyone down there is only seeing the bad but up here it is still so beautiful. So I teach my kids that no matter what it looks like to us, when we see life from God's grand perspective above it never changes. He is still the same. He is still shining brightly in our lives, even when the storms of life hide our perfect view. It's then when we have to live by faith...knowing that the SON is still shining even though more difficult to see!
There is a song that is popular on Christian radio right now called Blessings by Laura Story.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
It reminds me of the part in Francis Chan's book Crazy Love where he talks about how we pray for protection like it is the greatest thing. But what we should really pray for is for God to use us and our lives so greatly that our protection isn't our greatest concern.
Really, who says that the perfect life is a protected one. Who says that perfection is living a long life? Who says that perfection is complete health without tragedy. The fact of life is that bad things happen. To everyone. One day that will no longer be the case. But tragedy and tears will not be avoided in life by any of us. But who says that has to ruin the day...ruin our lives?? The sunset of our lives can be breathtakingly beautiful if we allow God to take our scars and fears and tragedies and pain and shine through us.
If you look at Jesus or his disciples' lives, did they have it easy? Are we to assume that our lives will be easy and free of pain just because we deserve it as God's children? I don't think comfort is God's best for us. We don't learn until we make mistakes usually. We usually aren't grateful for what we have until it is taken away. We are futile men and God is sovereign and holy and omnipotent. We just have to TRUST that He is working it out for our good....
Romans 8:28
The Message (MSG)
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
No matter what the Son is always shining. Do you believe that? If we do then we will be thankful in every season of our life.
12 Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 13 Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world. 1 Peter 4:12-19
Other songs of interest: Bring It On by Steven Curtis Chapman and Praise You In this Storm by Casting Crowns. Love them.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Day We Got Our Daughters...
GOTCHA DAY!- February 13, 2011!
Taken from morehopeforus.blogspot.com
Today we get our two Chinese daughters!
Today they will be given to us and tomorrow they will be legally ours! Today is One of the greatest days of my life and the greatest day of the Hook family of five! No one can sleep. I guess it is jet lag but mixed in is the excitement of this day! Phoebe just came to me and said she is so excited she can't sleep and that she wonders if Lily will run to her and hug her or be shy. I just thought of the day we told Phoebe we were adopting. She was seven years old. Robert was three and not old enough to know or care. Johnny was about to be 2. So we told Phoebe by herself in her room one night before bed. We prefaced it by telling her about orphans not having parents and a family. We told her there are millions of children like this all over the world and even in America. As her little tiny expressive face began to understand the horror of an orphan's reality, especially in relation to her own, we proudly told her that we were going to go to China and get one and make them part of our family forever. In a split second response, her precious face squinched up in confusion and she spoke two words I will never forget, "Just one?" Daniel and I laughed and both realized the purity of a child's heart and the simple response that comes from love. Love doesn't reason. Love doesn't weigh pros and cons. Love doesn't consider cost an issue. Love responds. Love moves. Love (if I say is a verb will I make this moment any less sincere! Lol!) Yes, love is a verb! Love has been cheapened to something that doesn't resemble our Father's love. But by looking into the eyes of a child we can still find it in it's purest form. And today, at 11, my little Phoebe still has that pure heart. And we aren't getting "just one!" We are getting two! Two lives forever changed! By LOVE! Adoption amazes me. It's the heart of God! I'm so grateful to be a part of God's plan for Ning Li and Xiao Dan's lives! I 'm honored to be their mamma!
So today at 5:11 am in Beijing as I write this I'm also thankful for my incredible husband that said YES to TWO as well! Who has worked 18 hours a day for months preparing for this trip! And also for carrying whimpering AND crying Johnny thru the entire 2 and a half hour frigid tour of Tienanmen Square today! : ) And Rob in his many words of wisdom just two days back home, woke up early and went to Husband and explained to him, that the reason our adoption took so long was so that we would get Lily! And he's right because if the backlog hadn't occurred we never would've considered special needs first and then we would've not met Lily and gotten to adopt TWO! What a great big little brother he will be for Lily! (He also turned to Husband before take off from Seattle and said, "Dad, I got a good feelin this is gonna be a great 12 hour flight!") And Johnny in his own way is so excited about being here to get Hope and Lily. It's all he's ever known. That one day we'd go get his Chinese sister from China! And his heart is so sweet! Just the other day we were watching Animal Hoarders (hey, we were snowed in for two weeks!) and when Johnny watched a sweet old man's story who had 60 chickens in his house Johnny asked, "Mom, is this in real life?" I said yes. He said, "We need to help that man." I know that's a funny story to tell but Johnny was serious and sad for the man and he felt compassion for him. And you know what? Orphans are in real life. They aren't just a religious TV show on we change the channel on. There are millions of Hopes and Lilys! And compassion moves us to act just like the compassion Jesus had on the crowds of people who followed him. And now we have that living inside of us as believers! And that's how the world sees Jesus! Through us! Christianity just isn't a world religion. Christianity is a verb. Christianity responds! It MOVES! I cannot say it enough. We are so grateful to everyone who loves and supported and gave to us to get us to this day!!!! We could not have done it without you. The cost reached over $55,000 with my trip Last summer included and the high cost to get our whole family here in the middle of Chinese New Year (the most expensive time to travel here!) I do not feel like this is the Hook family adoption. It's OUR adoption! To everyone reading this! You have moved out of compassion to change these girls' lives! And it's about to happen! Can u believe it? Yay!!!! I'm not scared or nervous! I am just READY!!!!! I've dreamed of "Gotcha Day" for years. I've watched perfectly edited YouTube videos of glorious moments when the child was given to the adoptive parents with a tear jerking Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in the background. I've waited so long for OUR moment! But right here right now I couldn't care less about that! Just give them to me!!!! Lol!!!!! I don't care if they scream and cry or run and hide! I am ready to be their mamma! (Of course, adri will be capturing the moment on her iPhone so don't get worried!!! We will take whatever moment we get and share it with y'all!!!)
To be continued.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taken from morehopeforus.blogspot.com
Today we get our two Chinese daughters!
Today they will be given to us and tomorrow they will be legally ours! Today is One of the greatest days of my life and the greatest day of the Hook family of five! No one can sleep. I guess it is jet lag but mixed in is the excitement of this day! Phoebe just came to me and said she is so excited she can't sleep and that she wonders if Lily will run to her and hug her or be shy. I just thought of the day we told Phoebe we were adopting. She was seven years old. Robert was three and not old enough to know or care. Johnny was about to be 2. So we told Phoebe by herself in her room one night before bed. We prefaced it by telling her about orphans not having parents and a family. We told her there are millions of children like this all over the world and even in America. As her little tiny expressive face began to understand the horror of an orphan's reality, especially in relation to her own, we proudly told her that we were going to go to China and get one and make them part of our family forever. In a split second response, her precious face squinched up in confusion and she spoke two words I will never forget, "Just one?" Daniel and I laughed and both realized the purity of a child's heart and the simple response that comes from love. Love doesn't reason. Love doesn't weigh pros and cons. Love doesn't consider cost an issue. Love responds. Love moves. Love (if I say is a verb will I make this moment any less sincere! Lol!) Yes, love is a verb! Love has been cheapened to something that doesn't resemble our Father's love. But by looking into the eyes of a child we can still find it in it's purest form. And today, at 11, my little Phoebe still has that pure heart. And we aren't getting "just one!" We are getting two! Two lives forever changed! By LOVE! Adoption amazes me. It's the heart of God! I'm so grateful to be a part of God's plan for Ning Li and Xiao Dan's lives! I 'm honored to be their mamma!
So today at 5:11 am in Beijing as I write this I'm also thankful for my incredible husband that said YES to TWO as well! Who has worked 18 hours a day for months preparing for this trip! And also for carrying whimpering AND crying Johnny thru the entire 2 and a half hour frigid tour of Tienanmen Square today! : ) And Rob in his many words of wisdom just two days back home, woke up early and went to Husband and explained to him, that the reason our adoption took so long was so that we would get Lily! And he's right because if the backlog hadn't occurred we never would've considered special needs first and then we would've not met Lily and gotten to adopt TWO! What a great big little brother he will be for Lily! (He also turned to Husband before take off from Seattle and said, "Dad, I got a good feelin this is gonna be a great 12 hour flight!") And Johnny in his own way is so excited about being here to get Hope and Lily. It's all he's ever known. That one day we'd go get his Chinese sister from China! And his heart is so sweet! Just the other day we were watching Animal Hoarders (hey, we were snowed in for two weeks!) and when Johnny watched a sweet old man's story who had 60 chickens in his house Johnny asked, "Mom, is this in real life?" I said yes. He said, "We need to help that man." I know that's a funny story to tell but Johnny was serious and sad for the man and he felt compassion for him. And you know what? Orphans are in real life. They aren't just a religious TV show on we change the channel on. There are millions of Hopes and Lilys! And compassion moves us to act just like the compassion Jesus had on the crowds of people who followed him. And now we have that living inside of us as believers! And that's how the world sees Jesus! Through us! Christianity just isn't a world religion. Christianity is a verb. Christianity responds! It MOVES! I cannot say it enough. We are so grateful to everyone who loves and supported and gave to us to get us to this day!!!! We could not have done it without you. The cost reached over $55,000 with my trip Last summer included and the high cost to get our whole family here in the middle of Chinese New Year (the most expensive time to travel here!) I do not feel like this is the Hook family adoption. It's OUR adoption! To everyone reading this! You have moved out of compassion to change these girls' lives! And it's about to happen! Can u believe it? Yay!!!! I'm not scared or nervous! I am just READY!!!!! I've dreamed of "Gotcha Day" for years. I've watched perfectly edited YouTube videos of glorious moments when the child was given to the adoptive parents with a tear jerking Steven Curtis Chapman song playing in the background. I've waited so long for OUR moment! But right here right now I couldn't care less about that! Just give them to me!!!! Lol!!!!! I don't care if they scream and cry or run and hide! I am ready to be their mamma! (Of course, adri will be capturing the moment on her iPhone so don't get worried!!! We will take whatever moment we get and share it with y'all!!!)
To be continued.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
I'm so glad i cry everyday...
excerpt from my adoption blog
I usually don't cry very easily. Except when the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me comes on (yes, still i gets me, even after the billionth time)....it's hard to catch me crying. But that isn't the case lately. In fact, I cannot hold back the tears these days. I've never been OPPOSED to crying (although it does somewhat annoy me that lots of women are cry babies), it's just that I could separate the emotion or not even be bothered by the emotion. Some people have even called me UNSENTIMENTAL! (lol, it's true, I am unsentimental). But right now my heart is mush. In a good way though.
I always dreamed about the trip to get my adopted Chinese daughter. Would I like the way she smelled? Would she be somewhat attractive? Would I like her instantly? How long would it take for me to FEEL like she was my daughter? How long would it take for me to love her like Phoebe, Rob and Johnny? How different would the love for an adopted child be compared to the love I have for my babies I birthed?
These were questions that I thought...and Daniel and I MAYBE mentioned a bit....but since they all seemed to be a bit negative, it wasn't a hot topic. We just trusted that it would all work out. And in time, we would feel like they were really our daughters.
Well, it has worked out just fine and way ahead of schedule. Because the love I have for them is amazing and overwhelming to me. I love those two little Chinese girls with all my heart. And I am not posting this to boast or draw attention to me in a noble way that I could love an orphan or anything. In fact, I take absolutely no credit and I just wanted to write this because I am in awe of what God has done in me. I always knew He'd give us the grace to do this, and that He would help us love these girls as our OWN. But He has changed my heart. I am not the mother of three children. I am the mother of five. I would do anything for them. All five of them.
When I talk about our adoption and Lily and Hope and how much I love them I often feel like I am looking at myself or not even myself. When someone might say they are excited for me, I just think, yes, I am excited for me too! When someone says how great it is that we are adopting them I think yes! It is so great! When someone says how they are going to have such a great life and they are so blessed to be in our family I think, YES! They are blessed. Cause we will do anything for them. and we are happy together, me and Daniel! I don't take ANY credit for any of this. God began this work in me. He drew me to the idea of adoption. He sent me to China. He put Lily and Hope so deep in me that I could never get them apart from me.
It's a miracle really. Adoption is a miracle. We love our biological kids for many reasons. We carried them, we gave birth to them. They remind us of ourselves, except cuter. We would do anything to reproduce a little miracle that is part of us and our spouse. And I share in all those feelings. Every one of them. But have you ever considered if you could love a child that didn't look or act or smell like you? And did you just think that you could never do that....and you wonder how others can??? Well, I am telling you that the reason I can is because of God. He is our Provider. His Heart is pure and true and for the orphans. And when He calls someone to adopt, He gives them every resource they need. I believe that now. He is for me. He is for Daniel. He is for Lily and He is for Hope. He will help us raise these girls. He will help us love them they way they deserve. He will help us show them the way to eternal life through Him.
I just write in awe of Him. I am nothing but an empty vessel. A crying empty vessel at that. I cry because two of my children are away from me. I haven't seen them in 7 months. It's been too long. I have faith. My faith has been strengthened. I think I passed the test....or at least failed it and retook it. But now I think I got an A plus. I believe. I believe He will complete this work! I believe He will provide the money we need. I believe He will provide the medical care and surgeries. I believe He will help me to be the mother to Hope and Lily that HE would want me to be. I believe I can organize my house for five children. I believe I can cook more to save money and make my own soap like the Duggar lady!!!! Actually, that's not true. I will never make my own soap. Besides Chantel already told me that if I could ever not afford soap she would buy it for me. : )
I am happy and blessed and full of faith! Even if I cry everyday!
I usually don't cry very easily. Except when the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me comes on (yes, still i gets me, even after the billionth time)....it's hard to catch me crying. But that isn't the case lately. In fact, I cannot hold back the tears these days. I've never been OPPOSED to crying (although it does somewhat annoy me that lots of women are cry babies), it's just that I could separate the emotion or not even be bothered by the emotion. Some people have even called me UNSENTIMENTAL! (lol, it's true, I am unsentimental). But right now my heart is mush. In a good way though.
I always dreamed about the trip to get my adopted Chinese daughter. Would I like the way she smelled? Would she be somewhat attractive? Would I like her instantly? How long would it take for me to FEEL like she was my daughter? How long would it take for me to love her like Phoebe, Rob and Johnny? How different would the love for an adopted child be compared to the love I have for my babies I birthed?
These were questions that I thought...and Daniel and I MAYBE mentioned a bit....but since they all seemed to be a bit negative, it wasn't a hot topic. We just trusted that it would all work out. And in time, we would feel like they were really our daughters.
Well, it has worked out just fine and way ahead of schedule. Because the love I have for them is amazing and overwhelming to me. I love those two little Chinese girls with all my heart. And I am not posting this to boast or draw attention to me in a noble way that I could love an orphan or anything. In fact, I take absolutely no credit and I just wanted to write this because I am in awe of what God has done in me. I always knew He'd give us the grace to do this, and that He would help us love these girls as our OWN. But He has changed my heart. I am not the mother of three children. I am the mother of five. I would do anything for them. All five of them.
When I talk about our adoption and Lily and Hope and how much I love them I often feel like I am looking at myself or not even myself. When someone might say they are excited for me, I just think, yes, I am excited for me too! When someone says how great it is that we are adopting them I think yes! It is so great! When someone says how they are going to have such a great life and they are so blessed to be in our family I think, YES! They are blessed. Cause we will do anything for them. and we are happy together, me and Daniel! I don't take ANY credit for any of this. God began this work in me. He drew me to the idea of adoption. He sent me to China. He put Lily and Hope so deep in me that I could never get them apart from me.
It's a miracle really. Adoption is a miracle. We love our biological kids for many reasons. We carried them, we gave birth to them. They remind us of ourselves, except cuter. We would do anything to reproduce a little miracle that is part of us and our spouse. And I share in all those feelings. Every one of them. But have you ever considered if you could love a child that didn't look or act or smell like you? And did you just think that you could never do that....and you wonder how others can??? Well, I am telling you that the reason I can is because of God. He is our Provider. His Heart is pure and true and for the orphans. And when He calls someone to adopt, He gives them every resource they need. I believe that now. He is for me. He is for Daniel. He is for Lily and He is for Hope. He will help us raise these girls. He will help us love them they way they deserve. He will help us show them the way to eternal life through Him.
I just write in awe of Him. I am nothing but an empty vessel. A crying empty vessel at that. I cry because two of my children are away from me. I haven't seen them in 7 months. It's been too long. I have faith. My faith has been strengthened. I think I passed the test....or at least failed it and retook it. But now I think I got an A plus. I believe. I believe He will complete this work! I believe He will provide the money we need. I believe He will provide the medical care and surgeries. I believe He will help me to be the mother to Hope and Lily that HE would want me to be. I believe I can organize my house for five children. I believe I can cook more to save money and make my own soap like the Duggar lady!!!! Actually, that's not true. I will never make my own soap. Besides Chantel already told me that if I could ever not afford soap she would buy it for me. : )
I am happy and blessed and full of faith! Even if I cry everyday!
Monday, November 22, 2010
November 22, 2009: The Day My Fears Died
It's been one year since my pastor Billy Joe Daugherty left this earth and stepped into Eternity at age 57. Forever I will remember where I was the moment I heard the news that he had indeed passed. I was in my bed, trying to sleep. Having been up all night, much like the previous two months, taking the graveyard shift praying with friends and strangers in the prayer room at our church, and then trying to sleep a few moments during the day. We had such a powerful prayer time that night before. There were over a hundred people in the prayer room, brought together by one purpose only, to pray for this beloved man to rise up and have his life and health restored to him. I felt the Presence of God in that room more than I had ever before in my life that night. Surely it was real. Surely it wasn't pure hype and emotion. Surely our prayers had reached Heaven and been found pleasing to God. So when I went to bed that morning I felt strongly that there had been a major shift in the night. A breakthrough!!! I just knew it.
When Daniel came up beside me that morning and said my name, I just knew by his voice what he was going to tell me. I didn't even look at him. I just buried my face in my pillow. No. I didn't want to hear it. It could not be true. Not after the night of prayer and praise we had just had seeking God. I couldn't believe it.
I reminded me too much of the same early morning that my own daddy left earth at age 45 seventeen years ago. How my mom and my two sisters just crawled into bed together and closed our eyes and cried ourselves to sleep. The exhaustion. Of holding on. Of believing. Of having your whole life uprooted and twisted into despair and trying to hold your head up.
My greatest fear as a child was one of my parents dying. Grey hair scared me. I did not want my parents getting old and closer to death. My daddy was my security. He was the perfect daddy to me. He was big and strong and burly and wise and funny. He brought blankets to me when I was cold and turned on my fan for me at night in the summertime to make sure I was cool. He filled my car up with gas so I never had to. He gave me money in case of an emergency. He told me I was beautiful and smart and talented and I never once doubted it. He was my security.
When my daddy passed I wondered what I'd do. Where would my security come from? Who would take care of me? Who would take care of my sweet pretty momma?! I left that summer to come to Tulsa and ORU because I knew God was leading me to (although I came home on weekends more than any other person at ORU just to check on Mom). Shortly after getting to ORU I found Victory...and Pastor Billy Joe.
Pastor Billy Joe became a father figure to me. He became my spiritual security. Over the years at ORU I leaned on my church and Pastor Billy Joe and Sharon's messages. I became secure in my spiritual life. I became strong. Pastor Billy Joe took care of me in a sense. He has challenged me for 17 years to live better and love God and others more. He has guided me through many tough times helping me to focus on the "main thing." His optimism, his faith, his gentleness, his love, his presence....all shaped me into the person I am today. There is no better man on earth I found to sit under their spiritual leadership and scrutinize than Billy Joe Daugherty. He was found to be stable, true, and pure in every area of his life.
Dad and Pastor Billy Joe both took care of me in a sense. They both were the most influential people in my life, along with my mom. They both left this earth early.
When my dad passed I stared my greatest fear dead in the face. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I didn't go crazy. I didn't rebel, I didn't give up. I amazingly just went on. So easily that I would often forget such tragedy had struck my life when I heard of other friends losing a parent and I'd wonder how on earth they could make it without them. It was grace from God, no doubt. I thought that if I could survive my greatest fear happening and still manage to live a happy, well adjusted faith filled life, then I could handle anything!
When Pastor Billy Joe passed...it was different. My physical security wasn't taken away, it was my spiritual security. It was as if everything I had every believed and everything that he had ever spoken was up for grabs...being challenged. Would it stand the test? The grieving and mourning process for Pastor Billy Joe was harder than it was for my own father. My daddy had been through so much pain that when I saw him take the last breath I was almost relieved that he could just go to Heaven with God. No more working. No more having to pay bills. No more headaches. But call me selfish, I was not able to let Pastor Billy Joe go as easily. For days after I heard of his passing I believed for resurrection. It wasn't until the memorial service that Daniel and I actually faced the fact that he was gone from this earth for good.
Months of morning him. Months of crying my eyes out in church week after week after week. Months of missing him and searching for answers. I realized that he had become my security. And now I had to stand on my own two spiritual feet and make the decision. Was I gonna abandon my faith? Was I gonna change my theology? Or was I gonna dig my heels deep and say I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. Smack dab in the middle of believing God does the impossible.
I believe in healing. I believe in the SAME SCRIPTURES that we stood on, that we prayed, that we read out loud HUNDREDS of times in those last two months of my pastor's life here. I believe in the Word of God. I believe God heals today and raises the dead. I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. And I always will.
I didn't think I feared anything after my dad passed. Nothing really got to me. I am not a worrier. I don't get scared or uptight about things. I just know that anyone can adjust and change and learn to live without someone else in their life and that life isn't worth quitting for any reason at all. But before that day a year ago today, I realized that I had still feared that God's Word was not true. That we might have it wrong. November 22, 2009 was the day my fears died. All those fears have dissipated since that day. I am no longer afraid. I can face every day with the Word of God knowing that it is true. I know my God loves me and works all things out for my good as I trust Him. I can see His mighty Hand upon the Daugherty family and my church and I am in awe of Him and His goodness and grace.
God doesn't have to prove anything to me for me to love and believe Him. But He does every day. Everyday when I walk closer to him since these two tragedies I feel His love. I feel stronger. When I see the way Pastor Sharon has led our church in the midst of turmoil and how the joy of the Lord is her strength it makes me love Jesus more! It makes me so proud to serve the only true God Who makes a way, Who redeems, Who binds the broken hearted, Who gives hope to the hopeless. I will stand for Him if no one else does. I will never go back on my decision to deny myself and follow God. I am His and He is mine. Forever.
And ALL my security is in HIM ALONE. Right where He wanted it. And I will never fear again. Because I know one day I'll see Him face to face and none of this will matter....only that I never stopped believing.
When Daniel came up beside me that morning and said my name, I just knew by his voice what he was going to tell me. I didn't even look at him. I just buried my face in my pillow. No. I didn't want to hear it. It could not be true. Not after the night of prayer and praise we had just had seeking God. I couldn't believe it.
I reminded me too much of the same early morning that my own daddy left earth at age 45 seventeen years ago. How my mom and my two sisters just crawled into bed together and closed our eyes and cried ourselves to sleep. The exhaustion. Of holding on. Of believing. Of having your whole life uprooted and twisted into despair and trying to hold your head up.
My greatest fear as a child was one of my parents dying. Grey hair scared me. I did not want my parents getting old and closer to death. My daddy was my security. He was the perfect daddy to me. He was big and strong and burly and wise and funny. He brought blankets to me when I was cold and turned on my fan for me at night in the summertime to make sure I was cool. He filled my car up with gas so I never had to. He gave me money in case of an emergency. He told me I was beautiful and smart and talented and I never once doubted it. He was my security.
When my daddy passed I wondered what I'd do. Where would my security come from? Who would take care of me? Who would take care of my sweet pretty momma?! I left that summer to come to Tulsa and ORU because I knew God was leading me to (although I came home on weekends more than any other person at ORU just to check on Mom). Shortly after getting to ORU I found Victory...and Pastor Billy Joe.
Pastor Billy Joe became a father figure to me. He became my spiritual security. Over the years at ORU I leaned on my church and Pastor Billy Joe and Sharon's messages. I became secure in my spiritual life. I became strong. Pastor Billy Joe took care of me in a sense. He has challenged me for 17 years to live better and love God and others more. He has guided me through many tough times helping me to focus on the "main thing." His optimism, his faith, his gentleness, his love, his presence....all shaped me into the person I am today. There is no better man on earth I found to sit under their spiritual leadership and scrutinize than Billy Joe Daugherty. He was found to be stable, true, and pure in every area of his life.
Dad and Pastor Billy Joe both took care of me in a sense. They both were the most influential people in my life, along with my mom. They both left this earth early.
When my dad passed I stared my greatest fear dead in the face. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I didn't go crazy. I didn't rebel, I didn't give up. I amazingly just went on. So easily that I would often forget such tragedy had struck my life when I heard of other friends losing a parent and I'd wonder how on earth they could make it without them. It was grace from God, no doubt. I thought that if I could survive my greatest fear happening and still manage to live a happy, well adjusted faith filled life, then I could handle anything!
When Pastor Billy Joe passed...it was different. My physical security wasn't taken away, it was my spiritual security. It was as if everything I had every believed and everything that he had ever spoken was up for grabs...being challenged. Would it stand the test? The grieving and mourning process for Pastor Billy Joe was harder than it was for my own father. My daddy had been through so much pain that when I saw him take the last breath I was almost relieved that he could just go to Heaven with God. No more working. No more having to pay bills. No more headaches. But call me selfish, I was not able to let Pastor Billy Joe go as easily. For days after I heard of his passing I believed for resurrection. It wasn't until the memorial service that Daniel and I actually faced the fact that he was gone from this earth for good.
Months of morning him. Months of crying my eyes out in church week after week after week. Months of missing him and searching for answers. I realized that he had become my security. And now I had to stand on my own two spiritual feet and make the decision. Was I gonna abandon my faith? Was I gonna change my theology? Or was I gonna dig my heels deep and say I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. Smack dab in the middle of believing God does the impossible.
I believe in healing. I believe in the SAME SCRIPTURES that we stood on, that we prayed, that we read out loud HUNDREDS of times in those last two months of my pastor's life here. I believe in the Word of God. I believe God heals today and raises the dead. I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. And I always will.
I didn't think I feared anything after my dad passed. Nothing really got to me. I am not a worrier. I don't get scared or uptight about things. I just know that anyone can adjust and change and learn to live without someone else in their life and that life isn't worth quitting for any reason at all. But before that day a year ago today, I realized that I had still feared that God's Word was not true. That we might have it wrong. November 22, 2009 was the day my fears died. All those fears have dissipated since that day. I am no longer afraid. I can face every day with the Word of God knowing that it is true. I know my God loves me and works all things out for my good as I trust Him. I can see His mighty Hand upon the Daugherty family and my church and I am in awe of Him and His goodness and grace.
God doesn't have to prove anything to me for me to love and believe Him. But He does every day. Everyday when I walk closer to him since these two tragedies I feel His love. I feel stronger. When I see the way Pastor Sharon has led our church in the midst of turmoil and how the joy of the Lord is her strength it makes me love Jesus more! It makes me so proud to serve the only true God Who makes a way, Who redeems, Who binds the broken hearted, Who gives hope to the hopeless. I will stand for Him if no one else does. I will never go back on my decision to deny myself and follow God. I am His and He is mine. Forever.
And ALL my security is in HIM ALONE. Right where He wanted it. And I will never fear again. Because I know one day I'll see Him face to face and none of this will matter....only that I never stopped believing.
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